I've probably dealt with depression for most of my life, but due to my other addictions, I masked it pretty well.  But over the last 7 years or so, it seems that self medicating has runs its course, and it doesnt work anymore.  It only seems to make it worse.  I know that alcohol and pot are depressants.  I sadly ended up in rehab about 7 years ago.  Got sober for about 5 years, and started drinking again approx. 2 years ago.  I don't drink to get drunk, just to take the edge off.  I've been on and off different  anti-depressants for most of the last 7 years.  My doctors trying to help me deal with the depression so I wouldnt go back to drinking.  I guess of got tired of dealing.  Went back to drinking, quit my meds, and the circle begun all over again.  It's like a life long sentance, and I hate it!!!!!  I have a job I can't stand, a marriage I exist in,  and for the most part I have managed to isolate myself to the point I don't know how to get back to being healthy.  I don't know if I ever was healthy, and dealing with this I sometimes  have to wonder if there is such a thing.  It never goes away, its always right there, stagnant for a while, then its back in full swing.  Im tired.  No energy.  I could care less about work, I cut back on my hours because I hate being there.  I go to sleep early so I don't have to have a relationship with my husband.  Which I don't want anyways..... I asked for a divorce last summer.  But because I make very little money, its impossible to afford my own apartment, and because I have no energy to do anthing I keep going to a dead end job, that I know will not help me get out of this marriage, let alone make me happier and healthy again.  Ugh......I hate this circle. I don't want to deal with depression for the rest of my life, or addictions for that matter.  I'm friggen tired of everything being a challenge. 

I've rambled horribly....Thank you for listening.  I am going to call the Dr. today, get back on meds before I feel worse than I already do.  It needs to be done.  I know that is atleast a step towards getting out of this relentless rut!!

I hope that everyone has a good and happy day.
Talk soon..
Shelley