i've been screaming my entire life.
and no one fucking listens.
i have no control.
i have no support.
but most importantly,
i have no fucking clue what i'm doing.
what i've done.
a waste of life
flesh
pumping blood.
nothing.
a woman. ha!
i screamed at them.
but
they "know what's best for me."
i screamed at him
when he feigned vomiting
when i said
"we're done."
then i screamed at him
when he said
"yeah, forever."
and i've screamed too many times
at her.
a gnawing anthrax
a tumor
she wouldn't let me love her
and she won't let me lose her.
and now i scream at him
for not loving me
and not losing her.
and we're all
"fucked up and dying."
but beau sia,
people won't publish my poems
or listen to me scream.
i'm the nice girl in class
the one with the freckles
the one who wants to blow the place up
the goddamn damsel in distress
i'm the idiot who loves you.
yeah, the one who's heart
you've been dragging.
i mean
i know i gave it to you
when it was still slightly bruised
and the stitches had just been removed
but that didn't mean you could leash it
and run around with it behind you
because it fucking makes you feel good
cause i feel fucking atrocious
and i'm dying
or i've been dead.
just because you have my heart
doesn't mean you can't cradle it
gently
i'm sick of you tugging it around
you won't even look at it
it's beating and bleeding
and begging to be coddled.
just fucking hold me
i can't repair your heart
when you continue to annhilate mine
i wasn't fucking joking
loving you has been the hardest thing
i have ever ever done.
it's like dancing on stage
for millions of people
and no one is watching
just look at me
it's written on my skin
swelling in my voice
swimming in my eyes
acknowledge it!
you can kill something by
ignoring it
i've been there
"you wouldn't believe the goddamn sweaters they make you wear."
you won't love me
and you won't allow
me to love you
and she didn't either
and i'm swinging in circles
high on my own anxiety
drunk on my stress
and the hatred in my breath
(for myself, of course)
i can't control myself
i'm the monkey on a unicycle
and you bastards didn't teach me how to steer.
if you hear anything
which you won't
just know
that loving you hurts
i feel like shit
and you won't acknowledge my hurt
or my happiness
because you're too consumed with your own grief
and the things i could teach you
and the things i want to give you
forever isn't just 7 letters
and "i miss you"
is only one more anyway
just pretend that i matter
when i'm prostrating in front of you
kissing the feet that have
stepped on my heart.
i mean, really none of it matters
anyway
i'm pretty dead
with or without your love
and i'll just keep dying
regardless.
ha! what a waste of energy
moving these fingers
making these words
my poor little dendrites
i'll sit here for hours
years centuries eons
and maybe you'll come
i might be dead by then.
eh.
"someone just love me, okay?"

-----------------

second poem written immediately after the first one.

never edited. uses lines from beau sia's slam poem "love."