I remember hearing somewhere that depression is rage directed inward. It starts from when you're young, and unable to let out your true feelings without getting a smack in the mouth. I've been depressed as far back as I can remember. It only got worse at 16 when the first guy who I was every intimate with broke my heart. (At least, that's how I saw it then. Of course now that I'm older and wiser, I know better. But that's a story for another day.)

But lately the source of all my anxiety and sadness and rage is a direct result of the ex, R. When I think about the fact that I stayed for 10 months and 4 days... If i were a glass-half-full kinda girl, I would say "at least you didn't stay longer." But that's total crap because I knew from day one that he was not the type you get with. The clinical term (you know it's bad when he's described by a clinical term) to describe him is misogynist. In layman's terms he was an asshole.

So why did you get involved with him in the first place, you ask? Of course it was the sex. I mean when you're single and young and desperate for human contact, why not have drunken sex with that acquaintance you've been flirting with for months? And then continue to sleep with him and let yourself confuse lust with love? I mean just because the sex is good and you get along with the guy when you're not in the bedroom (or living room, or staircase or balcony) doesn't mean that you're destined to be together... I wish I knew that then.

 Of course the honeymoon part didn't last. In a nutshell, this dude was jealous and possesive, and had more baggage then I, as 20 year old baby, knew how to handle (an ex wife and 2 brats to boot. Did I mention that he's got 7 years on me?). He's the most insecure person I've ever met, and it wasn't just when it came to the relationship.

I don't feel like I can continue writing about this. It still hurts to think about all the crap I put up with for so long, so I'll stop for now.

For now I'n just waiting for the pain to stop. For the rage to fade...