It's hard to adapt to a new city when you're used to being depressed all the time. You don't want to go out and explore your surroundings and talk to your neighbors... It sucks ass, because by sulking around everywhere i know I'm not making a good first impression... The same thing happened in college... First year was supposed to be so great. I had all these plans for myself. But then M happens and I'm so depressed that i sit in a corner all alone and eventually don't bother going to classes... Thanks for the memories...

Anyway, I know and have known for a while that i need to get out of this funk. But here's the thing, if i were another person looking at myself, I'd say that I'm depressed all the time because it's what i'm used to. And in a way that's kinda true. Because you can get comfortable in any situation you've been in long enough, and I'm comfortable not trusting people. I'm comfortable expecting that everyone wants something from me, or that nobody likes me. That way I don't have to go out and be social... Light bulb moment. Thanks, blog

So I have a book which i purchased to help me get over this rage directed at R... It's by Susan Forward, the title is Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them. I just wish i read the book sooner. From day one his behavior was problematic and i ignored all those red flags.... It's hard trying to forgive myself for what happened. I know I'm being hard on myself because I did get out and i did learn... I need to stop being so hard on myself.

One day at a time...