So I'm having very conflicting feelings about this job interview that I have later this week. On one hand I'm super stoked because I'm 99% confident that I'll get the job (I've an impressive resume, and tons of experience in that sector) and the pay is unbelievable... I get excited about all the things I'll be able to do with that money, like pay off that bloody visa once and for all! Now I don't want to get too ahead of myself, because in order to ace the interview, I'd have to actually go, and that's where the butterflies come in. I'm not good with directions. Period. I still have to look at my hands to tell me which way is left and which way is right!!! (for those of you who don't know this handy trick, if you look at the back of your hands, the thumb and index finger make an 'L". Neato, huh?) It's nerve wracking knowing that I'll be going downtown all by myself, taking the bus (2 buses, actually!) and risking getting lost and then being late or missing the interview and then I wont get the job and then I'll be broke and in debt for the rest of my life and I'll never be able to afford my jetta and my fabulous loft-style condo with a jacuzzi tub and 2 vacations every year!

Neurotic, much??

Silly me. I can just do a practice run and go there the day before. Scope out my surroundings, and then blog about it on my laptop in Starbucks, sipping on a tall caramel macchiato...I love this blogging thing. It allows me to therapize myself. Is that even a word? Oh well it is now.

So the second thing on my mind is the fact that no matter how great of a day I had, in the minutes before falling asleep my head fills with thoughts of R and all those feelings of hatred and anger and sadness comes flooding back to me. And I cry. I hate that I do and I hate myself even more for doing it, but I don't know what else to do. I mean what I want to do is call his ass and cuss him out. But even I know that I am above that. Besides I already let him know how be broke me down and made me feel lower than anyone has ever made me feel. I opened up and told him everything, expecting it to make me feel better. And what did he have to say about it? "I'm sorry." Now I thought that what I wanted was an apology, but those words meant shit all. And it just made me angry. I just told you how badly you've hurt me and all you can say is "I'm sorry" ?!?#@!$*%$&@$$%$@#^&!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRR!

And here comes the rage... By the way if anyone can give me any tips on how to deal with this without becoming murderer, I'd appreciate the help.