Thoughts.com Blogs - Dear Heath...I miss YOU

View Blog

Dear Heath...I miss YOU

Heath, Hey its been like a year and 8 months…I miss you soo much….I feel like I have nobody, nobody that truly knows me…I want you to be alive and no matter how bad I want it, its not going to happen, which is so frustrating. I miss you in so many ways, you were my very best friend, I shared more with you than I have ever shared with anyone else in my entire life…you were my fiancé for a year, we lived together, had bills, vehicles, you were there when I had Landon, so many things all rolled up into us. And now it is all over. And all I want is for you to be back here with me, we could raise the boys and be a happy family. I do believe there is a perfect person for everyone, and I am afraid you were mine, and you are dead so now what, am I going to be alone forever. I have told myself when it is time you will put someone wonderful into my life but I don’t know when or who or anything…and maybe I just made that up so I could feel better about it all???? I am so scared to get close to someone, I am afraid they will die. Nobody close to me ever died then the one person who was the closest did…I grew up that day, the day you died. Its still weird for me to think about it or to read it- Heath Billinger 1984-2006- or when I look at all of our old pictures and notes and everything…it makes me think of what we had and what I lost. I think of the day we were going through all of the baby clothes and you looked at me and said “I wasn’t planning on doing this for a few years” well hunny, guess what, I wasn’t planning on burying you when I was 19 either.—life happens and people die. I can at least talk about it now, I would like to know if you died instantly or if you knew you were going to die. And maybe what you thought about, I hope it was me. I want to move on and maybe date someone at some point, but I know you are looking down on me and I don’t want to hurt you by you seeing me with someone else…maybe that’s stupid too, I know you would want me to be happy…I know you didn’t want to die, there are so many things we had planned, to go black opal mining, travel, have a wedding, soo many things. I am so sorry you died! I wish I could have talked to you one last time I would have told you how much I loved you—but I KNOW you knew, I know you knew how much you meant to me…and knowing that does help me. I wish you were around to give me advice but I feel like I knew you well enough that I know what you would say to every question I could ever ask you, that also is a comfort—sort of. I wish we could share Christmas and Thanksgiving together, these will be my second holidays without you. Remember Christmas ’04? The year I got my ring, how you looked at me and asked me if I loved you? And I said yes, and you asked me if I could love you forever, and I said yes…and you gave me my ring, it fit perfectly, it was so beautiful…all I ever wanted in a ring. And remember Christmas ’05 haha how I gave your ring back. We didn’t get to share Christmas ’06. Your mom and Shawna won’t give me my ring back. I can’t get over it either, it kills me…it is the one thing I wanted that was yours/mine. If I could do anything differently, I would have went to your room and got it, but I was too upset to go into your room. I would never want to relive it to change it though, I will get over it, at some point, its just soo selfish on their part. I have grown up so much since you died, I wish you knew me now, I am a wonderful mom, and woman really. I was mostly still a kid when you knew me. I think that you passing away made me who I am today. It’s not all good but I do appreciate life so much. I am scared to die, but I know you will be there to welcome me in. I hope you remember me! I think about you every day, sometimes I wish I didn’t, but then when I don’t think about you for a little while it bothers me…I am forgetting so much about you. It breaks my heart, I have forgotten a lot already, I remember your hands, and your thick ears, and your wonderful blue eyes with the long eyelashes that curl up. I remember your tattoos and how you had my initials on your side. I don’t remember your voice really, just the message on your voicemail. I don’t remember your kiss, or your touch. I know that is part of the healing process but it sucks. I will always love you!