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| my mother... |
Ok, so ya know how some gals have "daddy" issues? Well, I have issues with the other parent. The Mama. She is an interesting woman. Right now she is really in to AA classes which is cool, because when she was drinking all the time it wasn't so awesome. I have been moved out of the house for 5 years now, and my mom was not there when I flew the coop. She was off on some motorcycle ride with her guy friends. So there was certainly some bitterness when I moved to Alaska from down south and she was not even there to say goodbye. When I left, I left my seven siblings behind. My two older siblings had done the same thing and it was expected. We would all send money to the house, and the remaining kids there would make ends meet while the next oldest stepped up to the plate to play leader. While here in Alaska, I found out that my mom was hurting some of the kids. I flew one of my sisters here to Alaska so she could be away until she was 18 and could get out on her own. I agreed to testify against my mom in court so my stepfather could get custody of his son, my youngest brother. It was not needed, but basically, I was pretty anti-mom. This was wicked hard for me because mom and I had a unique relationship. She could not buy me off like the rest of my siblings, and she could not bare to look at me at times because she said I made her, "hate herself". Mom was not always like this, or maybe there were just times when I was naive enough to not know. Those were golden moments. Now, in the last 2 years, my older and younger siblings say that Mom has changed, that she is trying really hard to be a part of the family. Mom did lose custody of her youngest and she no longer has any of her ten kids. We all ended up with the different dad's or we moved out on our own. Nothing was really that terrible growing up because we always had siblings and we were never really alone in any of it. So now she is supposed to be all fixed and everything. I talked to her. She seemed perma-fried from doing too many drugs, and she will no longer smile with her teeth. She is over dramatic and sort of crazy, but that is just an effect of the hard life she has lived. She ran through men like crazy when we were growing up, but now has had a steady boyfriend for a year and a half. It is so strange to have this woman again. She is not the same woman that tried to be mom so long ago and failed miserably. Sometimes I do not know how to react to it. Forgiveness is hard, and she has never asked for it. She just expects it. I give it because I am desperate for that piece that I did not get while I was younger. But is that unrealistic now? There are so many scars from the things she has done. I saw her and visited her and I know that she is a different woman. But I also know that she is not the same woman from those golden moments either....
Shaelee
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Posted by shaelee on 2009-07-07 20:58:26 | Rating: | Views: 18
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