You hear about people doing things and you think it's a choice, or you think it will never happen to you. I'm talking about self harm, eating disorders, suicide. A lot of people think people choose for these things to happen. I used to think that too.

But then... It's just a normal evening. And suddenly you realise that most people actually have no control over it. You think about how you were 3 months ago, and then you think about how you are now. It's like nothing that happened in between matters... At the time you thought you knew what you were doing, but now you can see that you were wrong, you were not in control. You thought you could stop any time you wanted, but it's not that easy.

How many times have i made that mistake?  How many more times will i make it before it kills me? All i wanted was control, and now i have realised that i don't think i have it.

And i think i am doing okay... But then i look over at my parents and i know that i am completely alone, because their thoughts are a million miles away, and they have no idea.

I feel trapped everywhere i go. I don't want to be here. I feel too much.

I am so grateful for my music. Without it, i would actually have nothing. Where would i be without my 40 minutes a day to escape from it all ?