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You know that gap that people talk about...?

You know... the gap. The something missing. The unsettled feeling that crawls up you esophogus because it's bored in your stomach. The gap. Well, I filled my gap with Jesus. Right? That's what all the tracks say at least... with their mediocre white Jesus illustrations and the cross bridging the cliff where you stand, and the great beyond where God resides.

The fact is is that I believe the God is not in the great beyond. God is right in the thick with us. I believe he's here, active and working. There is no hands off approach. There is no magnifying glass. He wants us to love him. And I do. But I also feel something missing. I feel that someone is missing from my life. I scroll through my phone book. I get no incredible desire to call up any of those people. I cringe at some names and contemplate deletion. How can I delete someone's existence from my life? I do it all the time without realizing it. All the time.

Why?

Is there time with me ended? Is my time supposed to be occupied somewhere else? Why do I meet these people when I have to let them go in the end? "If you love them, you'll let them go" sorta idea? I suppose I'm just a pack rat. I just want to collect people and places and memories and stories... for what? Because I can't NOT do that. I love being with people, but sometimes (ok most times) I'd rather be on my own. It gets hard with people. The commen threads that bind us together can only be recollected so many times before you run out of things to talk about. I want that person whom I won't run out of things to talk about. Where I can be silent and hold a conversation. I want to be able to express my love through the way I love (through touch and gifts and words) without them flipping out and overthinking things. I want someone to accept my love, and to show it back. Really.

And this is where it gets tricky. There's NO ONE around here ( a town with 1,000 plus college students) that EVEN RESEMBLES a prospect. At least I haven't found him yet. Admittingly I haven't been looking. I'm hoping God will kick in here soon, but so far, I've done everything wrong in this field. So I feel that until I learn how to be respected, then he'll give me a guy that will respect me. Where does this crap end? It's so easy for others. Is it because I don't love you enough?! We've been through all this before. Why am I still here. Lonely.

If they're not my friends (friends by which they are either taken by good girls or they are not in my opinion dateable by me) they're gay (thanks for that one world). Am I dateable? Am I ready to be loved? Am I ready to take that risk? Who is really?

Accomplishments so far today:

Got up (that should at least give me sympathy points)
Washed dishes
Watched some Grey's Anatomy

Plans:
Take old clothing to Salvation Army
Tan
Wash car? Maybe.
Feed the cats and dog.
WORK. WORK. WORK.

Posted by shadowed on 2007-12-18 14:28:32 | Rating:

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		Sweetie, you are the first thing I've seen on here that I don't know how to respond to. I have had 2 others in my life in that same situation but I didn't know what to say to them either. The funny part is that now I'm kind of there with you. My wife left me for another man about two months ago and I'm the kind of person who has always had someone, but I've been so devastated over her for the last while that I can't even look at anyone. What helps me is just thinking about something else. I've had relationships fall apart before but this time I don't feel like I can just go chasing after anyone that is around. I feel like, as broken as I am, it would really take someone special to help me fix myself. Don't go rushing into anything. If it's right it will hold onto you. Good luck and God bless.
Posted by skyler28 on 2007-12-18 14:42:06