| View Blog
|
|
| When Nothing Satisfies You....
|
|
|
Who really wants to read someone else's whining? Really?
I'm infatuated by it. Give me your problems. I know I can't solve them, but the harshness makes me feel more alive, a little more real.
I was programed from early teen years to fix my problems with Jesus.
He's mass marketed now-days.
It makes me want to throw up in my mouth.
Don't tell me about Jesus to solve my problems if you don't ever admit you have any of your own. If you're above problems and pain, then you obviously are futher from truth than I am.
Or maybe we're all screwed.
I don't want to be diagnosed.
I don't want to be counseled.
I want to be real.
Is that so hard to obtain?
I want to talk about sex.
I want to have sex.
I want people to clean up their messes.
( Why is it that the "responsible, moral, good" people always leave messes for someone else to clean up?)
I want to be free to feel emotion.
I want to be suspended by faith.
I want to be certain.
I want to be confident.
I want to be me for once.
I'm about to hit rock bottom, and there's no one there to catch me except for Jesus, and we're not talking right now. I want TOO much, when I have everything I need. I'm completely happy and content, except for the companion part. I want to cuddle. To kiss. To love someone.
Where the crap is that someone?
I'm too damn picky.
But I have to be to prevent divorce, homicide, adultery, addictions, abuse... you know, all the bad crap that can go wrong with a marriage if you aren't observant of the tell-tale signs before you let yourself fall in love. Before you're blinded. Before you wake up 40 years down the road and realize that 30 years of your life have been a complete fabrication. People playing house, void of passion and purpose. I don't want that.
But I am resorting to meaningless escapades. That is the number one reason me and Jesus aren't talking, I'm not listening. If i read, I'll be guilty. I DO suck at life. I do. There's no getting around it. But I want to really suck and feel ultimate pain so I can finally have a purpose again. I feel so void of anything as of late. At least my focus will be turned back on God than away.
I know that's illogical reasoning. I know. But I don't know. Anymore than you. WE DON"T KNOW!!
And that's what frustrates me most. I believe. It's been confirmed over and over. But then there are jokers that try to come in and define MY relationship with Christ, even when they have NO IDEA what we've been through. I KNOW JESUS. They try to bring in guilt, shame, rightousness. Yeah. I know those. Go on.... Or wait. Don't. You can't supply me with anything. Only the Father can. So step back and let me live out my miserable existence without you pestering around my face like a putrid knat.
Briefcase and show. Clean up your fucking mess, then maybe we can talk.
Crap. I cussed. (lol).....
Things completed today:
Baked 2 loaves of wheat bread ***50 bonus "woman points"***
Cleaned bathroom (including toilet). When I come down from the clorox high, it won't be pretty.
Cooked dinner for a friend who hates life and boys *** 70 woman points***
PEDICURE : Hell yes.
|
|
Posted by shadowed on 2007-12-18 01:11:44 | Rating: | Views: 73
|
|
| |
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
