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my sister is so frazzeling

grr.. i get so tired of hiding behinds masks. i try not to make people mad. but would this not make you mad. my mom told me that my sister has called here two nights. i havent heard a word about it. i mean i do live in a house with 9 others (10 total) some1 might not have relay the message. but i have checked and her names not on the caller id. but instead of making her mad i just go on with it. she called me today and said that she was going to bed and she would call tomorrow.. i mean messed up?

then my mom calls me back asking if i was happy she called. i wanted to say "no, she didnt want to say anything to me. she only asked me about school then she had to run to bed. i bet she wasnt alone. but i dont want to say anything bc shes the perfect one. even though im married you two try to tell me to get on birth control. wtf?."

but instead i say, "yeah she called. thank you. she was headed to bed, btw"

why cant i just spit it out. tick off evey one good time and tell them what i think. i cant.. she is the pride of the family even though i think im doing better in my life then she is. but its been like this all these years.. why would it change now?

although i have been her shadow all our life, i still cant say something like this. she helped me through the hardest time of our lives. i love her so much because of that. she took care of me when our parents divorced. she helped me through suicidal thoughts some. i promised her i would never, and that is why i didnt.

now we are growing apart and i am just a little speck in her new life. her life of boyfriends, friends, parties, hook-ups, and heartache. she talks like she is so happy to be doing it. all i can do is tell her to take care, and be careful. i know she gets it when i drop the hint.

i dont know what to say to her about it other then that. i dont think its cool like she does. i lived that life. and now im ashamed of it. i am happily married and wish i could give this wonderful, special man part of my life i can never give him. i wish she would have learned from watching me. why dont she see she is doing the same thing i did that she knew destructed me. aint big sisters supposed to tell their little sisters how dumb it is what they did. and not copy.

sure she did some little things in high school to experiment, but she hasnt done as much as i have done. she was actually afraid for me when i was using heavier.. what do her new friends got that i aint got? am i not cool enough?

i have so many feelings toward her right now, but i dont know what to do about it. grr..