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Thank you to all who posted comments on my first blog entry. I truly did not anticipate that anyone would read it, but felt the need to SCREAM given the pent up emotions, frustrations, and rejection I felt over the course of my marriage.
Bellaroux, we've tried counseling ( and she still has a counselor that she visits a few times a month) and she's been to several gynecologists. A few of her counselors indicated she may have been abused as a child, but she has no recollection other than an older "uncle type" family member rubbing her breasts while sitting behind her when she was 12. She developed quickly, and has a very nice pair, and this guy took advantage of her. She knew he was doing something wrong and put an immediate stop to it. Yet, no one has ever penetrated her except me in a sexual way, and her gynecologists during exams. Her first gynecologist (a woman) asked to see my penis because my wife had indicated that I am too large for her, which of course is not the truth at all. I understand that one gynecologist feels that it is condition called vestibulitis, which results in painful penetration, but I really don't believe this to be the case either.
She is an only child, with "old world" parents that were old enough to be her grandparents when she was born. They instilled in her a sick sense of what sex is, and made her believe very strange concepts regarding menstruation and sex in general. These weird "teachings" were beyond sexual issues, and included strange concepts about health concerns in general, to the point where she has general "health anxiety" bordering on being a hypocondriac. I cannot have a two minute conversation with asking about whether a simple ache or pain is cancer or something equally concerning.... I simply believe the real issue here is that she cannot get beyond the fact that she was lead to believe that sex is wrong and that it will "damage" her in some way.
One therapist called me an "enabler" by standing by her and allowing her to get away with this, without insisting that she have sex with me. But I love her and don't want to force something on her that she clearly doesn't want and cannot enjoy.
She told my wife that it is unfair to expect me to go through life this way, and that she should allow me explore sex with someone else, if this can be done without an emotional bond with another individual. I have not done this, nor do I want to. Just to be clear, I have not had sex with anyone else during my entire marriage these last 25+ years. Since Bill Clinton has created somewhat of a conflict regarding what the definiton of "SEX" is, let me add that by sex I mean everything - intercourse, oral and anal. NADA outside marriage.
She used to enjoy giving oral sex, but a friend of hers was on vacation and came down with an extremely bad throat infection, and she told me she thought she got it from oral sex with her husband. Since then, oral sex is pretty much out too, and has done this maybe twice in the last five years.
But she can have orgasms by manual stimulation and allows me to do this for her maybe once a month. And she'll do this for me as well. Yet I resent the fact that the extent of our sexual life together is reduced to that of young teenagers exploring petting for the first time.
I used to believe that one day she'd get better and all would be okay, but now I realize that its pretty much a fantasy, and that I will probably die without having a real sexual relationship. I cannot tell you how depressing this can get, and alcohol sometimes helps me cope, but it can make me angry about it also.
So the majority of my sex life unfortunately is masturbation... a very lonely way to live.
Enough for now.....
Sexless
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Posted by sexless on 2007-08-15 07:25:09 | Rating: | Views: 199
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wow that makes me really sad to read that. The closest you can get to your partner is through sex. When you truly enjoy it you have a bond with that person unlike anything else. I cant imagine the position you are it. personally i couldnt deal with it. I hope you get it all worked out =]
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Posted by bjones
on 2007-08-15 11:49:16
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Thank you for the followup post. You seemed to answer the questions that were asked.
As someone that has a mild degree of anxiety, I am recognizing your wife is exhibiting anxiety symptoms.
I agree half with what the therapist said...that it is selfish to put you through this...lack of an intimate connection. But, I feel that what the therapist said might have only made your wife feel guilty for what she "can't do."
I think that another therapist should be consulted for a second opinion.
I commend you for sticking with her through it all...for better or for worse, the world really needs more people like that.
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Posted by consistentlyincon...
on 2007-08-15 18:24:17
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