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"When you're ready to let go..

.. It'll be the easiest decision you've ever made." - Ashley :)

don't get me wrong, it was definitely the hardest decision when i was thinking it over.. but it just gets to a point where you're like fuck ittt I NEEDA LET GO.

i know that he's changed, i know that he genuinely means it when he appologizes because he continuously tries to earn my trust & respect back, i know that it kills him inside for what he did.

but it doesn't change the fact that i can't forgive - part of me doesn't WANT to forgive. i never realized how fucking RESENTFUL i am. i'm a prideful person & it's a hard pill to swallow.. i've made the attempt to put it aside & try to forgive but it's been months now and it constantly crawls right back up.

it's hard to accept what he did - it's hard to think about him without thinking of all the shit he's done. it's hard to think of him as a person who "cares about me so much" when he went and betrayed my trust & treated me like shit. it's hard to open up & love someone who's betrayed you, part of me thinks he doesn't deserve it.

and i told him he didn't make a mistake - he made a fucking DECISION. he KNEW what he was doing. he KNEW that it was wrong. he KNEW that it would have hurt me. but he still did it, he made the decision to do it AND I KNOW i was on his mind while he was doing it but it didn't stop him. so don't give me that "everyone makes mistakes" bull shit.. & the fact that he lied about it when i confronted him only makes the sitaution worst, all though i know he only lied because he didn't want to lose me.

lovely, isn't it? i got into this relationship with major trust issues.. growing up & seeing my older sister dealing with her ex boyfriends & how they cheated on her, the way she'd talk about them.. but i'm SO grateful for that experience because it it wasn't for my sister, i'd probably be a naive little girl assuming everyone had great intentions - i would have never had suspicions of him & i probably wouldn't have found out half the shit that i did.

i feel so fucking mislead.. i felt degraded & disrespected. i honsetly really thought he was such a great guy. i bought into everything that he said - i had doubts, but i gave him the benefit of the doubt because he just seemed so genuine.

and he probably is a great guy.. he's made a lot of sacrifices to try to prove to me that he wants to earn my trust back.. even sacrificed some close friends.. i just want to understand why he did it in the first place but he's not giving me a valid explanation, without that i'll stick to my own conclusion - the fact that he didn't care at all. & my pride and dignity won't allow me to love someone who treated me that way.

it's officially over.. for good this time. first relationship, 6 months, half a year.. down the drain!

and i really don't feel so bad anymore. time for him to face the consequences of his actions.

as fucked up as it sounds - i just can't love someone who's betrayed me, i don't think he deserves that side of me.

and that's thatttttttt ! I'M A SINGLEEEE WOMANNN