Thoughts.com Blogs - i know exactly what i want but,

View Blog

i know exactly what i want but,

i'm tredding down territories i've never been.

so recently i've gotten into a relationship.. my FIRST 'real' relationship so to say, and it's made me realize a lot.

first and foremost - i don't want a guy who NEEDS me, i want a guy who WANTS me to a nearly irresistable degree. i know people say that the other way around, but honestly.. if a guy isn't satisfied with where he's at in life then he's just gonna use you as his way to boost his happiness and it makes you wonder if he had mostly everything he wanted in life, would he still want you?

i want a guy who can handle his own shit and a guy who can let me handle mine. i'm a big girl and i want the man i can raise my kids with - not the man i have to raise. i'm a firm believer in being independent and i expect the same quality in a guy.

at the same time i'm just so intriuged by the whole 'growing up together, benefitting from each other, changing each other' idea. it's a beautiful thing but maybe it's just not for me.

it's just hard for me to let another person love me.. because i don't feel like i'm at the point in my life where i can say i've 'accepted' myself, yet alone to let another person do that. once again this situation is rooted into my problems with aiming extremely HIGH STANDARDS towards myself and others. but is that REALLY A PROBLEM???

i just want a guy who can relate to me on a deeper level - sounds cliche but i just want someone you can sit under the stars with and discuss random philosophies all the time. someone who shares that same 'inner' life with you - only they open your eyes to new things and you open their eyes to new things.. so togheter you just complete each other.. you just LOVE each others company because you compliment each other so well.

fuck, idk. i just feel like he's SO fucking dependent on me to be happy and i don't like that.. i feel so responsible to make him happy and that's just so fucking pressuring. i hate that. i hate when close emotional bonds make other people so vulnerable and sensitive to your every move.. and i hate feeling that way towards another person.

and i feel absolutely horrible.. because from the beginning i knew we didn't completely have that connection - i always had my doubts with him but i gave him the benefit of the doubt.. and i HONESTLY DO CARE ABOUT HIM A LOT.. i just feel as though i'm lowering my standards for him and i can do a lot better. I JUST DON'T HAVE THAT CONNECTION WITH HIM ON ALL LEVELS and i'm NOT satisfied. maybe i could have that connection with him but i don't want to give it so much more time to the point he gets even more attached to me.

it's just gonna be so fucking hard breaking it down to him.. nearly unbearable.. ugh godddddd

maybe i just like to keep my options open.. i'm young.. i have a lot to learn.. i don't know..

i've accomplished.. hardly anything from writing all this down. but okay.