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that wasn't love,
that was just the ROUGH draft..
one day i'll fix my errors,
& have the perfect FINAL copy (:
i had the hardest time letting go of stephen - at one point it felt like if i had a scale, i could put a thousand reasons not to be with him on one end & only ONE reason to be with him on the other end that outweighed everything.. and it was the simple fact that i cared so much about him regardless of his flaws, regardless of how much we disagreed, regardless of it all..
but no matter how intensly i thought i felt about him, something was always missing. their was ALWAYS a little void in the back of my head that never made me feel secure enough to say i was in love with him, because i wasn't.
it wasn't the fact that i couldn't let go because i loved him, but just because he had been around for so long that he became as normal to me as breathing - wake up to stephen, every hour talking to stephen, always thinking about stephen, fighting with stephen, going to bed to stephen.. stephen, stephen, stephen! he became a huge factor in my life, apart of me.
but i realized all those plans for the future, talks about marriage & how our children would turn out - it was all based on a little fantasy of wanting to fulfil that perfect love story, it wasn't real love.. but when you think about it so damn much your brain starts to believe it even when theres not much substance there, that lack of substance is exactly the void i was feeling.
i devoted so much, i tolerated so much, i stuck around so much & i wanted that relationship so much NOT because i loved him, but because i was so in love with the idea of being in love with him, and occasionally i still get the pull to wanna be with him again but i realize it's just the DESIRE to want such a deep and strong love.
i needa wake the fuck up and face reality,
he never completely took the time out to know what i was all about, i'm a super complex person and there were deeper layers he never got down to. i'm sure there was a lot about him i didn't know either. that DEEPER understanding type of a connection was never established.
trust was a completely missing element.. and i learned real love just CANNOT exist without trust.
true love is that one source in your life where you have that undoubtedly secure & safe trust in one another, you care about them so much that you treat their feelings & concerns with so much delicacy
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Posted by sexcsyrian on 2008-07-05 02:36:54 | Rating: | Views: 56
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omg, so i loved this blog. its like youre me in my relationship. only, i do love the guy a lot, theres just so much complications that its so hard to work on each of them one by one. its getting hard to make the effort, but im glad you came to realize things werent going to work out now rather than it being later. i can completly understand how you feel, but hang in there. wish you the best=]
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Posted by Juniorrr
on 2008-07-05 02:50:03
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Wow that was a mouthful...weighing in on options....hmmm....so there was a void? And better yet I am super complex person? people are not complicated lies are...Giving meaning to excuses for him not knowing me enough maybe it was you not sharing enough...in either case you both wasted your time together...and then they call me a coward....listen I think you think that you are this super duper women but your not you are like everyone else in this world claiming that they are special when they are not...the only time you are special is when someone else sees that it in you with act of kindness to the world and not you parading in the field with a sign over your head screaming I am special....if you were special you would have find yourself humbled to the fact that someone did care about you enough to make up a little fantasy world and have you in it….and real love? Can you describe real love? Is it when someone spends his last dollar in buying you an ice-cream cone when he has not eaten in days….or when he buys you roses out of the blue just to say he missed you and your brain cells constantly fighting the battle of what is true love and prolonging this relationship because you have not been swept of your feet…Gee and people tell me that I am wrong….You are the exact person I try to avoid in a serious relationship….Go see Oprah for your advice….LOL…but seriously God Loves You….
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Posted by JLOyola
on 2008-07-05 04:36:39
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You're a strong lady <3
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Posted by fancieclaps
on 2008-07-06 23:24:05
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