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My Pandora's Box

I have a box of fears in my head. A box that no one but me knows it even exists or how to access it. Thats how I like it. Until that box flies open and I cannot control the things it contains.

My senior year of high school i tried to overdose on tylenol at 12:30 in the morning because I had a test, or a essay or some kind of crap due the next day and I wasnt ready for it.

I didn't have to make it up.

I joined the Marine Corps because I was an idiot and wanted my boyfriend back. I don't regret it though.

I've been in love at least 3 times. I fall easily, and never let go. Ever.

These are the things I keep in my box.

Secretly, I want to be anorexic again, but I'm not sure if it makes me a wanna be or its just the disease. I don't want to be sick, I just want to be thin. I want to believe I can and then stop whenever I wish.

Really I just want something of what I used to be to grip onto.

I want to be selfish again. I want my own life back. I want to worry about me.

I really hate this box and want to make it go away, but I don't know how. I don't know how to burn the box and make it stop.

I would take Ryan back if he'd have me. And I want to go back to highschool.

I want a do over. I want to wake up to my senior year and start right after I got back to school after my breakdown.

But I want my sickness back. I shouldnt have given it up. I should have finished college.

I can't sleep and my dog is super annoying and I don't really want her.

I slept with a guy who was married and guy with a girlfriend and justified both that I was single and therefor it was their fault if their relationships got messed up. One did, but I honestly don't think I was the cause of that.

I have a shopping addiciton and compulsive urge to spend money I don't have like its a game. Sort of like gambling in a mall with a checkbook. I play the slots for how many days until the money comes out of my account and hope I don't bounce a check.

This is only because I can't smoke. Hubby wont let me, and I sort of resent him for it.

It would really make the eating thing easier for me.

I want to see Sam again.

I only want one child but I don't know which one I would keep.

I lie too much- and have since I was little. I think I may have a problem with it. Which is sort of the point of this post. I'm being honest with both you and myself (a big thing for me...really), and I needed to open the stupid box in my brain.

Maybe now I can put it back and go to sleep. But I wish hubby would take it upon himself to get up and get the kids and let me sleep in.

Breakfast in bed would be nice too. But only if its an orange and only an orange.

Oranges are safe. I feel kinda like a maniac with a double life. 1 in the real world and 1 in my head.

But at least I feel a bit better now. :)