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| I think I need some advice on this one...
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I feel the need to elaborate on my state of mind. My last post made it appear that I was again within the throws of my illness. Frankly that is not the case. I am however, in the middle of the great divide that exists in my head. The one that separates the truth from the fiction. I know where I've been, and where I never want to be again. I wouldnt wish this upon anyone, ever. Just to clarify, I DO NOT want to or aspire to ever suffer from my anorexia like I have before.
That being said, I need to lose weight. My BMI is 28, and that is infact overweight and thus unhealthy. It is well known however, that the best and most effective way to loose weight is to up your exercise and reduce your caloric intake.
May I make myself very clear on this point, I don't rightly know what that means in 'normal' terms. To me, it is the go ahead to spend 2 hours daily (or as much as my children will permit while in gym daycare) at the gym. And to do so more than once a day if necessary. It gives me permission to allow only 200-300 calories per day. Please understand, this is just how things are in my brain.
The issue comes in where I know on the one side of the divide, this is absurd and thuroughly unhealthy, the other side of the divide defines the above actions as completely within the healthy and natural bounds of "exercise and eat less"
I am straddling that divide. I know I must lose weight, and this is the way I know how. So I feed it. Telling myself that I can stop loosing weight as soon as I hit 5 lbs lost, 10lbs lost, 15 lbs lost.. and so on. That this is a temporary diet, and completely acceptable.
When I threw up my delectably wonderful taco bus burrito the other day however, I knew I was crossing into dangerous territory, and yet, took satisfaction in it.
It's a terribly dangerous and risky place for me to be right now. Especially knowing that my Dr needs to adjust my meds for my related bipolar and anxiety disorders. I feel like I am a ticking timebomb into a deadly obsession. And so other days I try as I might to stay healthy. To eat my veggies and my fruits. But again, these begin to fall into the category of "Safe Foods" and again the cycle starts. I invite the feeling of accomplishment over what I have done.
Keep in mind, I have been in recovery for almost 5 years, but I assure you, it has been an uphill battle the entire way and that scares me. I can count at least a dozen times I have caught myself with these thoughts, and these obsessive late night escapades into the land of ana, and kept myself from falling. But I worry how long I can keep myself up.
How can I lose weight to be healthy, but not lose my mind? Anorexia is a control issue. A perfection issue, and in some cases a defiance or defensive issue. If I diet healthfully, I believe I am in control of myself, In control of my disease, but the essence of my Ana is control. My self resistance, self preservation, It was something I could do better and do it with excellence because I had control of my body and my mind when I had control over nothing else.
How can I possibly have control over my Health if she still has control of me? I need to be strong and control my impulses to give in and succomb. But to gain that power, to feel the exhileration of being completely in control of myself and my eating habits, will be my undoing because SHE still controls my thoughts .
What do I do from here? I am lost in a purgatory between the sane and the sick.
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Posted by sempersarah on 2008-06-29 03:10:03 | Rating: | Views: 110
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Let's get you back on the sane side :) I think you need to educate yourself on how to get healthy...and just my opinion on the BMI, you do know that women's BMI's are higher than men's. Women need a higher percentage of fat on our bodies than men. BMI's aren't really a flawless calculation. So don't freak out.
I think your best bet is to lift weights, don't worry, you won't get all bulky, just a nice tone and some definition. Just don't lift too much weight, cause then you will get bulky. I would say don't go above 10 lb. dumbells. Muscle burns fat, so you want to build as much muscle as possible. But in order for this to happen, your body needs to eat and rest. Don't jip yourself on food, a little bit of everything in moderation. Hope this helps. I wish you well. :)
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Posted by LuckyLuci
on 2008-06-30 00:43:51
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Losing weight and being healthy is not a sprint. You have to buckle down for the long haul and rejoice in the small victories. If you go for a week eating healthily and working out and your weight remains the same, that is a win. Weight and BMI do not necessarily dictate overall health.
That said, I've always been an advocate for the allowance of small vices. Variety is the spice of life as they say, and sometimes you have to grab a cookie after a salad. Salads are not fun to eat. No one is pretending that they are.
As far as control is concerned, I would suggest attending a Yoga class. Along with the many health benefits, many, if not all, Yoga classes include meditations at the beginning and the end that help to control your mind and body. If you can check your ego at the door, and you don't mind looking a little bit silly sometimes then I think it would be a great choice. If nothing else, it's enjoyable exercise.
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Posted by JBP
on 2008-06-30 03:56:45
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=} Thanks guys, I appreciate the input. I'm trying real hard to stay on the sane side.. But like I said, its a constant uphill battle. But I think I have heard that muscle helps improve your metabolism- so the gym, in moderation is great nonetheless.
JBP, thanks for your advice on the small victories, And I do take yoga, it is a wonderful break. I do think it helps in my general mental clarity and helping to deminish a little of the obsession.
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Posted by sempersarah
on 2008-06-30 18:34:02
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