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Dammit!!

Alright, I haven't blogged much, but am feeling the need to. I have a tendency to retreat when things in my life get rough, which is not good. I need to let things out, so to speak.

I will blog more later. For now, I just wanted to copy an email that I just sent to one of my sisters to get some input!!

Morning, sister!

I’ll get to the point!! I need to ask you to pray for me. Seriously…..

I obviously have not gotten over some harsh feelings I have for the ass. I think this whole court issue is bringing a lot of these back up to the surface. I lay awake for hours last night just repeating over and over inside my head the reasons why I hate this man. Hate…..is such a strong word….. I never allowed teen son or teen daughter…now toddler, to ever use that word. Hate….it is so final….. I kept finding myself numbering the reasons why I hate him. I’ve realized that “hate” can eat you alive. I don’t want to let him succeed at that! Even this morning, I find myself fighting tears…..

I thought I had conquered this whole thing in therapy years ago. I use to ask myself all the time, “god, why do you allow this man to continue to affect my life over and over”. But then, one morning driving down the highway to work, it hit me like a ton of bricks……I realized it wasn’t god that was allowing this to go on, it was me. After I came to that conclusion, it seemed I was handling the ass on a much better level. But now….once again……I’m not so sure…..I know I need to turn this over to god…..let him handle it….whatever happens, happens…..but until then…..please keep me in your prayers…..I honestly do not like feeling hatred towards someone……it’s not me….it’s not who I want to be…..

I love you….me

Posted by selfcentered on 2008-10-07 10:48:08 | Rating:

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		hey, I know what you mean. I keep praying every night for the hatred or dislike to dissapate, and it has some. I keep telling myself that the kids are better off living with thier mom in a enviroment that is free from conflict and I give thanks for that every day. The pain is still there but is more bareable then what it was and I hope that it will get better as well. Yes blogging helps me when I am missing the life I once had, and is helping me to move on. good luck
Posted by afathermissingthe... on 2008-10-07 11:04:50


		Thanks! I sure wish I had the peace in knowing that my son was living in a better environment then he is, but that is not the case with me. (sigh)....I feel like I am being punished for being the better parent. I don't miss the life I had with the constant conflicts. Hell, we haven't been together in so many years, and it seems I still can't get away from conflicts with this man. I hate to wish my teens lives away, but it sure will be nice when they are old enough that all contact with the ass can be broken. (deep breath)....
Posted by selfcentered on 2008-10-07 13:15:37


		I do not know if it will ever go away. somehow and in some way you will have to alwayts be involved with him. You share children with him and some day you may have to share grand children. I do understand what you are saying though, I feel the same way and just pray that some day the conflicts will stop or atleast I will be able to just say what the f... and keep moving on with life. So far I have not gotten there yet but that is my goal and if I keep working for that then It will happen. I guess what I am saying is you can not change them so do what you need to do for you that will help both you and your kids. just a thought
Posted by afathermissingthe... on 2008-10-07 13:29:52


		Oh maaaaannnnnnnn....thanks......I needed to be reminded that I have to share my grandchildren with this man....grr.... he makes every effort poke at me that he can...I can just imagine the gifts he will pour on these future children, just to out do me..... I honestly thought I was at a point where I no longer let him get to me.... apparently, not....as I mentioned to the attorney last night, I can't help but wonder if he strikes out at our teen daughter because (1) she's the spitting image of me and (2) because he can't seem to get to me in other ways...he knows his treatment towards her pisses me off..... I need to find that solid ground that I've lost.... not letting him get to me.... (sigh)........
Posted by selfcentered on 2008-10-07 13:39:41


		Hi ya! Well, I'm not much of a prayer but sometimes I do. Only, it has to be for someone else. See, praying for myself never works for me, although, you did get quite an epiphany didn't you? So, this is what I've heard about resentments...pray for that person. Pray that he...the ass that he is...will be inspired, will have all the health, wealth, love and joy in his life...do it for 30 days. Then, if you don't feel differently about what a pathetic loser he is, burn his house down! :) Actually, you may find, that what you pray for others, you benefit from as well. Good luck! :)
Posted by smilinirisheyes on 2008-10-07 14:09:07


		I understand "hate" can comsume you! Forgive him for your own sanity. I'd like to say forgive and forget. Easier said then done I know. Funny thing, the person we seem to hate may know it but never seems to feel it. Your the only one who does. It's normal I think after many twisted forced contact with a person that is an "ass" can get to the point it makes us crazy. I agree with smilinirisheyes for the most part (all but the burn his houes thing. LOL, no need in you hating him from prison). Keep your chin up girl, at least your seeing how a person can have so much control over us, given by us. I'd say that's the first major step to taking yourself back.
Posted by anotherdaze on 2008-10-07 14:23:38


		I was told by a very wise person once that as long as I hated those in my life that had wronged me I was giving them power over my life and only when I gave up on the hate did I take that power away. It takes so much energy to hate someone and so little to not...I need my energy and don't want to waste it on them.Those ppl have very little power now but its a struggle each day to keep them away. Good post and nice eamil...:) K
Posted by lastblastkl on 2008-10-07 17:18:52


		I have to say, I laughed out loud about burning his house down. That's was great! LOL At one point during our divorce, he tried to do that exact thing to me....in reality....quite scary...... not to mention the fact that he caused structural damage to the home I lived in by driving his car through garage...and then....busting out all of the windows in the home....it is very tough not to hate him...but you are all right about it....I do need to take a step back again...and realize once again, that if I don't play a part in his twisted game, the game can't go on.....thank you all for your kind words....still haven't gotten a response back from my sister yet, but will share when I do! I will wish him health, not sure how that part of his life is....don't really care...... the wealth, he has enough of..... the love and joy... well, you can't wish that upon someone that hasn't figured out how to love himself first...in my opinion anyway!! I have all of those things in my life, except the wealth...since the ass likes to keep me in court.....all my money goes to pay the attorney....grrrr
Posted by selfcentered on 2008-10-07 17:43:30


		It sounds like you have calmed down a little. there are people out there for you to sound off with and that seems to help me. I also use thoughts as a sounding board and a way to express my frustrations and it has helped me alot. I do feel for you and wish I could help you through it some way since you have really given good addvice and you are always there when I am missing the kids and always say nice things to me. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope for the calming life you want and I will also agree about not hating. It will only take your power away from you and give it to him and that is what he really wants. I know because I have been there as well. keep your chin up and hold your head high and know that you are taking the high road through this and someday it will turn for you.
Posted by afathermissingthe... on 2008-10-07 20:40:22


		You are right...hate will only affect you and not him. If you can't forgive him, forgive yourself for allowing him to affect you as he has and move past the hate. I see from your posts that the pain of the past lasts a long time and divorce doesn't change that....I will pray for your pain to go away, especially your pain in the "ass" I will also pray for you to just be the you that you really want to be.
Posted by slowtolearn on 2008-10-08 11:10:34


		Awwww, thanks slowtolearn. I do really need to work on (again) distancing myself from the whole dance with anger deal with the ass. Somewhere along the line, I lost that ability to not participate in his twisted game. I have noticed a pattern though, which is a good place to start. Everytime I meet with my attorney, I spend at least 3-4 sleepless nights thinking about the loser and all the pain he has caused in my life. So, in the future, at least 3-4 days "before" meeting with the attorney, I am going to do some meditation and praying. Think it'll work?!
Posted by selfcentered on 2008-10-08 11:23:25


		Probably not, but certainly worth a try!!!! I am like you, I think too much....maybe I should drink more and think less, does that sound like a plan???? My daughter's divorce is this Tuesday, which has been keeping me awake, so although it is not happening to me, I can understand what you mean.
Posted by slowtolearn on 2008-10-08 11:48:13


		Ha, maybe some tylenol pm on those nights?! Unfortunately, I am afraid of that choice, as I have a very mild case of sleep apnea. Grrrr! So, it doesn't appear they will work things out then. No refund coming your way?
Posted by selfcentered on 2008-10-08 12:29:33


		Nope, no refund....can't say whether or not they are trying to work things out...that's a whole other blog!!!!! Too confusing for me to put in words just yet, but I will be sure to keep you posted. They are definitely, okay almost definitately, getting divorced on Tuesday, but that doesn't mean they are staying away from each other??????
Posted by slowtolearn on 2008-10-08 12:34:30


		If it'll make you feel any better, alot of couples go through this. It's like a phase they have to go through before getting the final break. I know one couple, after they divorced, the walked across the street and got remarried. Crazy, huh?
Posted by selfcentered on 2008-10-08 12:43:32