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| I'm an aweful person...so I'm going to get f'ed up
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My dad is on my mind today.
He has this supurb way of making people feel like peices of shit crawling on the ground and they need to submit to his every whim. Tonight he comes home and starts his bull shit. It's one load of towells in the dryer, a dish beside the chair, and the fact I am in bed taking a nap (my youngest was not home, my oldest outside playing basketball with friends). He calls me lazy and no good. As he is standing by the stove watching my mother cook he says I should be down there doing something since I did nothing but go to school today. (I worked at the hospital with two patients and got out a whopping hour early)
I sat on the side of my bed listening to him continue to go on and on about how worthless I am and that when I get my own house I'll screw that up too. He stated that he was going to get somethings stirred up around here and he didn't care. So I went downstairs to get my ONE LOAD of laundry from the dryer and he didn't say a word to me. Let me back up a step....Yesterday I shampooed the carpet in the living room, did 5 loads of laundry, vacuumed, put all the laundry away (minus the ONE load), hung my clothes up, and cleaned the bathroom.
Last time I cooked it wen like this...Me to dad "what do you want for supper" dad says "I don't know, look and see what we have" So I did and I cooked it. He didn't like what I fixed so he complained and sat in his chair pouting about it and didn't eat. He ended up going to McD's and getting food of his own while the rest of us ate what I fixd. WHY IN THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO COOK FOR SOMEONE WHO IS UNGRATEFULL?!?!?!!?
He uses his and my mothers age against me. Like I should be doing everything around there since I am young and I don't work. No, I don't work, but I am a nursing student. Does that count for ANYTHING? He always goes on and on about how proud he is of his other kids and where they are in life (mind you they are all 15 years or MORE older than me).
He never utters a work to me. Like Gee "secondplace" your turning your life around and I am proud you've overcome a teen pregnancy, two failed marriages, the death of your fiance, and single parenthood!!! Instead its always what are you gunna fuck up next. My mother does this more than my father does. She thinks I am going to run away and get married before I finish school and quit. I'm thinking....well thanks for the positivity here guys.
I am not trying to blame my problems on my dad but, I attribute my lack of self worth to his continued belittling comments. I know I'm not some of the things he says I am, yet it hurts because I want my fathers approval. I think this is also why I settle for men who could be "subpar" because I don't think I deserve someone any better. Also because of the lack of a mans love in my life I'll take it where ever I can get it. He's never been one to be there for me emotionally. He will ask from time to time how I am, but if I try to tell him he shuts me off. He doesn't really want to hear it, he just wants to do his job of asking.
Because of the church I feel unworthy of a good man....and feel a good man wouldn't want me. Why you ask? Because I had a child out of marriage, pre marital sex, two failed marriages, and no good guy would ever want me because I'm used up.
I know I am a good person with good qualities. I care about others, I listen and I'm here for my friends, I take care of my kids (though I've been doing a horrible job of that lately too), I study and try my best in school, I'm honest and trustworthy, fun to be around...who the hell am I kidding here. I'm nothing right now and I think I will drink to that all weekend.
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Posted by secondplace on 2008-03-13 18:08:22 | Rating: | Views: 65
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Please stop beating yourself up. Children learn love by being loved, your parents are dysfunctional. They are taking their anger at each other out on you. Not a healthy place to be. Find your self ANOLITS ( a nice old lady in tennis shoes)to share her home with you for the things you do for your child /parents. Room, board and pocket money in exchange for affection and health care. Good luck.
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Posted by penumbra88
on 2008-03-13 18:19:42
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He sounds somewhat "hateful" twards his own kid & I don't deal with ppl like that, walk away from him when he's in them moods or better yet put him on ignore mode "in one ear out the other" & go on with your day, your trying so what more can anyone ask for? Well Try to Have a Great Day!!
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Posted by fromwithin
on 2008-03-13 18:38:53
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I know there's someone in your life that will let you go crash at their place until the hatefulness blows over. Ask them!
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Posted by otherwoman
on 2008-03-13 18:56:37
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You are doing so many positive things. Sweetie find you a safe haven to go to for awhile. Please dont stop and continue to focus on the positive things that you are doing. Trust me on this your children are watching you.
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Posted by Nubian
on 2008-03-14 02:07:24
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