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| i did it...any advice would be appreciated
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I gave into my sexual frustrations last night with chip. I think this was one of the worse things I could have done. I told myself I was going to make him wait ...but yes, 4 days after seeing him face to face I was seeing him in a whole new light. Sex was great...But the emotional hell I am dealing with today is horrid. I wish I was one of those girls who can sleep with any man that looks at her twice and not give a damn. Yet, I have to be the one with a conscience! I am so jealous of people who just sleep around with no remorse or care in the world. What could it be like to be so free that you allow yourself pleasure and can go right back to life?
Let me take you back a step. My fiance died in July - yes 7 months ago. We had been together for 2 years. He was very sick and in the hopital for the last 5 months of his life drowning in Chemo and bone marrow transplants....nothing worked. A virus attacked his liver and he internally bled to death on a sunday in the ICU. So here I am today with my daughter who thought of him as daddy and my broken heart not knowing where to pick the peices up.
So Chip was #2 since the death of Fiance...the first guy and me had a lot going for us. We were good together had fun, talked, and I thought it was really going somewhere. Then we had sex and it all went out the window. He dumped me because he was still in love with someone else. Now, Chip. Chip was the first "REAL" sex (bed, naked, foreplay, candles, music, etc etc etc) I have had since the death. I'm not sure if this is why I am so hurt and confused or if it's just because I don't think me and Chip are going anywhere by the way he treated me before and after the whole "incident". He wouldn't even walk me to the door till I told him to. I also found out that his roommate is cheating on his fiance with at least 2 other girls. I met one last night. This blows my mind...I don't understand how you can be about to marry someone and sleep with someone else?!?! This is why I don't believe in love. Men like that and women who are willing to do that with them scare me. Why can't we just be happy with who we are with? So back to the point -
Today I am crying, upset, hurt, and I feel like total shit for what happened. I don't know if I should act nonchalant about it all if he calls...IF HE CALLS...keep playing this sick game...trying to find love...or try to talk to him about how I feel. I really want to talk to him about how I feel - but I don't know what he'll think or how he'll react (like is this girl serious?!?! She's got issues....you know) Sometimes I think it would just be easier to die than to live wondering how to live.
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Posted by secondplace on 2008-02-13 12:09:22 | Rating: | Views: 174
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Don't call him! ;) and how can I add you if you've set yourself to private?
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Posted by otherwoman
on 2008-02-13 12:32:10
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Do not call at all. Considering all that you have gone through you need time for you. It is normal after the lost of a loved one that you feel like you have to move on to fill the void. It obvious that this is not the guy for you. Your heart still needs time to heal from your past situation. Put you and your child first. The hell with that man at this time. If it is meant to be it will be.
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Posted by Penny4MyThoughts
on 2008-02-13 14:00:43
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do not call. even if you are sitting there with the phone in your hand and need someone to talk to. call a friend instead, tell them how you feel, do something with your friend to take your mind off of it. put your daughter at the top of your priorities list along with yourself.
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Posted by lostlonelyprincess
on 2008-02-13 18:57:26
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Sorry for your loss - and yes of course you have issues - but they are not issues they are your experiences and it is naturally to remember them and be effected by them occassionally.
On another point it is a scientifically proven fact that women cannot have "un-attached" sex. When we have sex with a guy a hormone is released in our brain which makes us want to be with that partner .... whereas guys DON'T have anything similar. So don't berate yourself over sex with this guy. See it as a learning curve. But don't chase him - if he can't see what a wonderful person you are then he isn't worth your worry.
Best wishes.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-02-14 01:18:21
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"Jesus does not encourage or expect a world where people are never hurt or never suffer guilt or even injustice. His entire concern is what we do with mistakes when they happen -- always knowing that they will." -- St. Francis
Welcome to thoughts. I love your honest vulnerable writing style. Mistakes are never fatal ... they are learning tools that help us grow and mature on life's journey. We all wonder how to live .... I'm much older than you (54) and I wonder everyday how to live. Don't wallow in your mistakes. Let go of the guilt. God has already forgiven you ... accept the forgiveness that is at your disposal.
That you are upset and crying is your heart telling you something is wrong ... it would seem this man is not right for you. Love doesn't hurt ... doesn't make you feel bad .... love feels good and puts your heart and mind at peace. Having someone taken from us, by death, is so difficult and leaves our heart wide open and vulnerable. We all need physical intimacy. It's been almost 3 years since anyone has touched or held me. It's hard ... I have those days also. Proceed with caution my dear ... love is out there ... you will find it. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you peace and love.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-02-14 14:37:43
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