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I went out last night to meet a guy I barely knew. This is not rare for me, I do it almost weekly. I had a rough weekend and needed to get out of the house and try to cheer myself up. Of course, I explained to this guy I wasn't coming over to sleep with him. I don't think this sunk in.
When I arrived at his house we sat down to "watch tv" and talk. I liked this, but he immediately put his arm around me. I thought he was cute, but all the lights were off for the exception of the hall. Sweet Home Alabama was on and a kissing sceen came on. He had already tried to kiss me a few times and I had to turn him down insisting it wasn't the right "moment". So I gave up and kissed him. I didn't particularly feel any rush of excitement or wow, just a kiss. Then we preceeded to "tease" kiss. Ya know, where you get within inches of thier mouth and taunt. That brought a little excitement into it. He kept telling me how sexy, beautiful, I was. complimented my smell, my hair, my eyes, everything. I liked the attention...it was a welcome change. So I let him continue to kiss me.
A short time passed and he wanted more. I knew this was going to happen damn it. He took off his shirt. He took off his pants. Yes, I was fully clothed sitting on the couch as he was literally taking everything off. I was not in the mood for this crap. He said come on, I want you...he grabbed my hand and we walked towards his bedroom. Ahh geez - I thought. I told him very frankly...".If we do this, I am not speaking to you anymore." He laughed and said "yes you will" This man is crazy. I told him very plainly, you will not ever see me or speak to me again....he obviously either didn't care or didn't believe me, and we did.
My point of this whole freekin story is this, I am sick of doing this to myself thinking I will be ok with it. I can't stand one night stands and I feel like complete shit now. Especially with him....not sure why. He was a guy I could have seen myself liking. Now he's a guy I want to forget I ever met. I don't even want to list him on my "DID list"....just a number. Another guy who was more interested in getting in me instead of getting in my head.
Yea, he's IM'ed me...we talked about the fact I didn't want to talk to him and he figured out I was testing him. He's upset I was playing games and he doesn't want to play games...yadee da dee da. I was trying to explain to him that I simply didn't want to get played again, so I'd leave him before he could leave me.
This is the second time I have done this...and then I started to lie to another guy about what happened to me last night. Thats when something hit me. I am not myself. This is NOT me. I am acting like an insane person. I could have enjoyed the sex, continued to speak to this guy, and just let things happen. Instead I had to make it all wierd. OR I could have refused to sleep with him, and told him bluntly i am not that kind of girl and I want more. And If he didn't want more I'd walk. I wish I could stick up for myself. Instead...I let them have what they want...then justify it to myself by saying they'll regret that they missed out on a good girl. Yet, they have no reason to think I am a good girl. After all, I did just let him f- me the first time he met me, and with in 2.5 hours. Jesus, i sound like such a slut bag.
So here is my potential day tomorrow...another new guy coming over to my house. I've already prepped the playing field for a little fun. Yeah, I see this repeating itself. I am so fucked up. Can anyone please tell me why? I still say its because I am pushing guys away. I don't want to get close in fear of loosing them. I'm a freekin mess. That's all there is to it. I need help. Seriously. I don't want everyone knowing what I did...I'm litterally ashamed. I feel disgusting, and I need help. I just want ONE guy to tell me I don't have to, and be genuinely interested in ME and for me to share those feelings.
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Posted by secondplace on 2008-04-14 22:11:39 | Rating: | Views: 134
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Sweetie, I think that it is time for you to allow yourself to heal from the pain of a heartache. I know that you love yourself and maybe I think you should do a time out on men for awhile and start rediscovering yourself.....you might be surprised on what you might find.
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Posted by Nubian
on 2008-04-22 12:03:06
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