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| Am I a player? Broken I am for sure.
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Its been so long since I was here. I'm back. I need to make a commitment to myself to write here everyday. This is my journal. My story. A way to get my thoughts out without talking to friends who are busy in thier own lives. So any advice anyone ever has for me is welcomed. So...here goes.
First my realization of Chip. We haven't spoke in a week. He won't return my e-mails, phone calls, or text messages. I spent the entire day with a man who likes me he even spent the night with me. (My parents went out of town, I'll get to that) I wanted SO badly to feel an attraction to this guy. I've been talking to him for over 4 weeks now. (Almost as long as chip) Ron is a sweet attractive guy. Not a thing wrong with him. I just feel absolutly NO attraction to him. There's no chemistry. So I told myself Saturday I was going to give it everything I could to feel that "it" factor for him. We went to a event with him and his friends....went to breakfast....and then came back to my house to hang with my friends and he spent the night. When it was time to go to bed I didn't care if he touched me or not. I really didn't even want him to. We had held hands that day off and on in the car and at this event, and normally you know when you hold hands for the first time you use your thumb to caress the other person's hand....I didn't do this. I was trying too hard to FEEL something! So...we go to bed, I laid there thinking, "Oh god, is he going to try to kiss me? What am i going to do? I don't want to kiss him!" Well He never tried a thing, [SEE I told you he is a good guy!] He laid next to me, played with my hair and rubbed my back. I woke up and he began to do it again. Once again never trying anything.
I never felt one ounce of butterflies. He was to be at work at 8am, and we woke up at 8. So he called in late. He said he'd go at 11. I couldn't WAIT for him to leave. Not because I didn't enjoy his company or him, just there is nothing there. He doesn't make conversation either. So we were hugging goodbye (OH I FORGOT, this was the first time we had held hands.) He kept trying to get in a kiss. I kept avoiding it...BUT i finially gave in. We had a quick 2 second pop kiss for our first kiss. I felt absolutly nada. NOTHING. Horrible i know. This guy is really nice, and he'd be a keeper...but not for me UGGGG.
This gave me an eye opening realazation! Me and Chip and Me and Ron are the same couples with reverse roles!!!! Ron is me and I am Chip when it comes to ron and my "relationship". I used to do things for Chip while he sat and enjoyed it...Ron does things for me and I just sit there. I don't recriprocate the touches Ron gives me. Ok, So I know it was just the awesome sex and arguements that kept me and chip going. So I'm done with that. Of course unless he comes around and says something sweet and has an excuse and then I'm sure my ass will end up in his bed again. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!
Now, I am talking to other guys as well. I actually bought myself a dry erase board to keep up with them. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, and I don't concider myself a player by any means...but when I really sat and thought about it, I am. I'm keeping up with several men at the same time and I'm finding myself confused on what I've told who. I even mixed up phone numbers this week! I spent all da texting one guy who I thought was another and then when I realized WHO I was texting I was kicking myself in the ass because the one I'd been flirting with all day was my best friend's ex boyfriend and I DO NOT LIKE HIM!!! Now he's got this fantasy that I want him and he won't quit. oops..
Here's the list, I'll update you and myself regularly. Chris, Tim, Michael C, Will, Ron, Chip (but I'm done, right?), Lucas (maybe?), Ben (he's at a distance and I don't think I'll be goin there), Michael P.
That's all I'm talking about for now. I need to get some stuff out about school and kids but i am going to wait. So...till next time.
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Posted by secondplace on 2008-03-24 00:08:06 | Rating: | Views: 94
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totally loved the honesty, great blog
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Posted by FromNYwithLOVE
on 2008-03-24 00:47:37
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Great Blog!!!!! I think you are doing a good thing by keeping your options open. Always stay true to yourself and stay focus on what you want in a relationship.
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Posted by Nubian
on 2008-03-24 13:06:25
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your best friend told me that the guy you mixed up was NOT her ex boyfriend.. EWWW!! just a blip on her radar ONCE ! lol
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Posted by otherwoman
on 2008-03-24 21:58:07
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I say keep your options open. When you are ready to settle down into a relationship, you'll know exactly what you want & who you can get that from. Good luck!
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Posted by Mandie142
on 2008-03-25 12:08:29
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Good to get that out there. I think you have to go into it with an open mind and see what happens. I've been there where I think someone is great and crazy about me and nothing on my part. It sucks!
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-03-28 14:46:20
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