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I almost think that I'm going to be alone forever. Granted I haven't been alone THAT long...but this is the longest I've ever been single in 12 years.
From what I think to myself, I should be glad because I can concentrate on my kids and school better. Well here's my philosophy on that....I half care about being a parent right now. I feel like I am giving all my love and caring for the kids and I just want someone to do that for me. The love of your kids is truely unconditional but it's not the same as a man holding you and loving you.
A child isn't supposed to have the job of wiping mommy's tears up and comforting her - as my children often do. My daughter looked at me the other day and says "mommy's whats wrong, do you miss daddy?" Of course most times it is that I miss him so I reply "yes" and she goes to the pantry and pulls out her favorite fruit snacks and hands them to me..."here mommy, this will help you feel better. It's going to be ok" I felt intense love from her, and knew she truely cared for me, but I don't want my kids to have to hold the burden of my pain.
I dress up and go out. I put a smile on my face. I try so hard to act as though nothing is wrong, but I come home every night to an empty bed. So people wonder why I put up with guys who are obviously using me, its because in some way I am using them too. It's not for sex, its for what comes after sex. Feeling loved, wanted, adored, needed....anything. It's better than laying in bed alone, but its a high price to pay.
So here I am blogging at midnight, in my bed - where i have been since 8pm. I wish my parents were more loving towards me. Or my dad would act interested in my life. Something. I don't know. Maybe I'm looking to blame someone else for the way I am. I'm not trying to.
Ok that reminded me of my other "why single is good for me" point, the love of my life, JJ hasn't even been gone for a year yet. Sometimes I feel like I am disgracing his honor and our relationship by moving on too quickly. I wonder if he thinks I didn't love him. Or if other people think I didn't love him. I'm not sure how to feel about that one. All I do know is I feel guily.
One other thing, this is me. Its who I am. No matter how much I loved or care for a guy...I rebound quick. It helps me get over what happened. Or I tell myself I need someone with me. Either way, I never stop looking for someone to be with. I guess this is my addiction.
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Posted by secondplace on 2008-04-12 00:23:44 | Rating: | Views: 147
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I really don't think that you will be alone forever. Sometimes these periods of not having a man is a way to for to focus on things that you need to deal with and get resolved. Once they are resolved things will look a whole lot different.
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Posted by Nubian
on 2008-04-22 11:54:27
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