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Trying not to take the meds.

So, my latest fight has been to take the anti-depressants prescribed for me or not. I took them for about a week and then just stopped. Part of me knows I should be on them, the other part of me is thinking no way, you don't want to become dependant on those. The mood swings have been horrendous, as have the recent events. I am so ashamed of myself for behaving so bad. I have completely damaged myself and the friendship I did have. It is so frustrating having no real control over what I say, it just comes. I really need to watch myself more, but I don't want to be fake or untrue to myself either. I know that I should be taking those meds but the side affects just don't seem worth it. Am I just to lose all passion and feel exhausted beyond belief? I guess feeling no passion wouldn't be such a bad thing, then I wouldn't get so worked up over things. And maybe I just need to suck up my pride and go see the counsellor again. Just these thoughts are awful at times and I feel so selfish if I talk with others about them all the time. I start to think that they only think I am a mess or something bad. And then there are those chest pains again from stressing myself out over little things. I desperately want the help but I am not willing to go forward and get it.