Last night I went to bed early, woke twice. The zinga-zingas weren't bad, slow, almost methodical, those little things you see when you close your eyes, those little things than can be so scary when they start zooming around in scribble-scrabbles and those electrical currents are sort of flashing back and forth--only this time they were slow, and I went right back to sleep. Slept normally. What a gift! Imagine how grateful I am for a "normal" morning.

Tonight I hope will be the same. I curl up and go to sleep, at about 10:30. Then I wake up, thinking it is morning but underneath that thinking I bet it is the middle of the night, what time is it, I hope it isn't 4. Then I look at the digital clock on the other side of the bed. It is 10:47. I have been asleep for seventeen minutes. The zinga-zingas are average, but I have my suspicions. I go back to sleep, but I know I am in trouble because the scribble-scrabbles are starting to come in, and it's the kind where you want to wake up but you can't because you're suffocating from the scribble-scrabbles. So then I think of God, and how God wants me to wake up, so I start gulping and screaming and then I wake up. Not screaming, but just breathing really hard like I just ran out of the water, when there was an undertow pulling me back.

It's 11:10. I think, this is why I take Lamictal. I'm not a bad person, and I'm not crazy. There isn't something wrong with me. I'm okay, all I have to do is take my medication. It's okay, like there's nothing wrong with me, I'm not a bad person just because I keep trying to wake up so I won't suffocate or drown in scribble-scrabbles. It's such a relief I just lay there thinking what a relief it is and how all I have to do is take my medication, so I just lie there thinking that and then underneath that thinking, I notice I'm not actually getting up and taking the medication, so then sort of I drift off back to sleep--or something like sleep, only this time I want to wake up because I'm suffocating and it's not like someone is trying to kill me, it's just that I really really want to wake up and take the Lamictal.

It's 11:47. I am definitely getting up. It happens again, I think, one more time, suffocating, screaming to wake up, thinking of God and how God wants me to wake up. It's 11:20. But it is so hard to wake up. If I do maybe someday I will speak at the Depression and Manic Depression Convention, and explain all this to the professionals,and everyone will thank me.