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with a little help from my friends

Saturday 24 November
I got these letters today about my family tax subsidy, money I'd been receiving from the government to supplement my income and the lousy amount of child support I receive. So imagine my surprise when I get letters saying I owe them money for overpayment for the 04-05, 05-06, and 06-07 financial years, plus an amount for so far this year, which added up to just over $4000. I rang them to find out what it was all about, as I get hardly any money anyway, I couldn't see how I'd been overpaid, I've always declared my earnings and filed my tax returns. Turns out it's all because John filed a shared care application, and is now entitled to a percentage of my family tax. Fine, let the baby have his bottle. As if I'm going to notice $15 a fortnight anyway. Problem is, they've backdated it to when we first seperated, so that $4000 is the amount I was overpaid, as John should have been getting some of it all along. So I spoke to John, and he went into them the next day to find out what the story was. He sent me a text, I was at work, on my lunchbreak, and sounded really nasty. He was like, I was entitled to thst money, so I'm going to get it, and don't worry about the debt, you can make payment arrangements with them. Yeah, like I want to be paying that back for the next five years. I read this message, sitting out the side with Damon, and I felt the adrenaline kick in to my organs and my blood boiled. I yelled out "you f-n c-word" (without censoring) and Damon just looked at me, stunned. I never swear or get upset at work, so it was something new to him. I blurted out the story, I wanted to punch something. I was so angry, I can't express how I felt. Pure hatred, injustice, pity, taken for granted, pushed aside, like I didn't matter, just angry, angry, angry. After my break, I went inside and started cleaning up in the kitchen, wondering where I was going to get $4000 from, how long that would take to pay back, and how I needed that money, and used it on the kids anyway when something crumbled inside me, I felt it crumble, and tears came to my eyes. I went into the office (Damon was in there) and cried for about ten minutes. Damon closed the door and got me some tissues.

So I rang them again the next day, and they said he could sign a waiver to say he was only claiming from the date of application, not for past years, and that would effectively erase my debt. Phew. So I got him to ring me last night, and I asked him about going in and getting a waiver form and signing it, and he flatly refused. He refused. I couldn't believe it. He actually refused. I got that angry feeling again and finally refused him access to the boys just out of spite more than anything. The unfairness and the injustice - they already paid me the benefit to help out with the kids and their expenses, which it did; and now they want to take that amount back to give to the other parent for the benefit of the same two kids! Whilst at the same time, causing the primary caregiver a whole lot of stress and financial pressure so the fucking father can be santa claus and spoil them as a once off, and not contribute to their everyday expenses! Argh! It just doesn't make any sense!

In addition to all that, Dave is still being a nob.I was a little late home on Friday, as I'd been to put a trampoline on layby at K Mart for the kids for Christmas, and met up with WorkDave after work for an hour or so. It was good to unwind with him after the day we'd had at work. And that he understands the stresses I deal with! But I digress. So MyDave had gone to pick up Paula, and when he got back, he started ranting and raving about his ex and her new partner, who had threatened him, and how all she'd written in the communication book was a big bitch about how the boys were making Paula play a game called "mummies and daddies" and apparently Paula said they "do what mummies and do, like hugging and kissing and touching". Saying basically Dave didn't pay enough attention and supervision to the kids, and my boys are little perverts. What kind of shit is that?! And when I asked if he defended them, he described how he approached the new guy and told him to stop trying to threaten him. How is that defending me & my kids? Saying a few comments about his body language is not sticking up for my kids. Setting them straight on their game of house, telling them all they do is put teddies to bed and read them stories would have been more acceptable. So, I got angry. I got angry about the insinuations she'd made about my kids, I got angry at every little whiney noise Paula made, I got angry at the way Dave mollycoddled her, I got angry when I saw how much the boys adored her as a little sister, I got angry that he didn't defend them. I packed my clothes into a backpack, threw together some stuff for the kids, and told Dave I was removing the kids from that situation and staying at Trish's (after clearing it with her, of course).

So that's where I am now. Her partner Chris keeps telling me I look like an antisocial nerd on my laptop. He also keeps looking at my chest and making comments on how he'd "do" me, or how he'd like to see me & Trish going for it. Crude. I've been getting so many comments like that (but usually more subtle) lately. Am I excreting extra pheremones or something? Like Trish's dog, maybe I'm on heat. LOL. WorkDave's coming over soon with some weed for us, so I'll have to update you on the rest of the weekend after I get home and deal with Dave. But first, the work saga of yesterday. LOL Trish just asked me if I was writing down what she was saying. Yeah, we're a bit stoned. lol So yah, work yesterday. I had another TL shift, which was really cool, and I was working with Dave, so that was double cool. But Mark was really down, and kept looking to me, so I'm wondering if he isn't devastated coz he saw me kissing Dave. I know that sounds big headed, but it's no secret he likes me. The day before, he was grinning at me with a dreamy look on his face, he couldn't keep his eyes off me. Then when we went to change his pad, he had a massive boner and it didn't go away. I was so embarrassed. Dave was working with me and he tried to cover it up. I think he was a little embarrassed too. After all, there was this guy perving on "his woman" right in front of him. Then later, Trevor, who also is pretty keen, and has been proposing to me and calling me sunshine and tulip and princess and goodness knows what else, told me he was depressed and wanted to kill himself. I know he's disabled because of a suicide attempt, and the 10th anniversary of his accident is on 31 December this year. I remembered back to my suicide intervention training from a few years ago and spent a while talking to him. He opened up a fair bit, saying he was lonely and wanted companionship, and we made a deal that he wouldn't hurt himself and he'd ask for help if he felt down again. I wrote it up in his clinicals, it really concerned me. I told him I'd help him find someone. He thinks no one can love "a cripple". It breaks my heart that that's how he sees himself. I tried to tell him that I don't even see his wheelchair anymore. Once you get to know the real Trevor, you just don't see it. You see the friendly smile and the smiling eyes and the sharp sense of humour, and his love of music, and his gratitude, and how sweet he can be when he's not being demanding or crude. I don't know if he really listened. But I am looking forward to taking him to that concert in a few weeks. He has tickets to see the Divinyls and I said I'd take him :) He's always singing me songs at work. One that goes "don't you know I love you as a friend" and another he made up; "Suzie Suzie Suzie do you love me, Suzie Suzie Suzie do you care, Suzie Suzie are you thinking of me, Suzie Suzie will you still be there" and of course, "Wake up little Suzie" which can get annoying. My year 9 math teacher used to sing that to me, and everyone else in between.