Sun. 29 July 2007
Well, technically, it's Monday 0250. I'm on night shift and everyone's asleep. I was supposed to work Friday night, but we went to see the Butterfly Effect in town (which was awesome, by the way - more later). I was supposed to work Saturday night as well, but I got to work at 2300 to start and wasn't feeling good anyway, but then I started thinking about...I don't even know what, and I started panicking and felt really anxious, so I went out for a cigarette and tried to calm down, but I neededto talk to someone, so I messaged Trish, and she rang me, and I told her how I was feeling and then I started crying and my insides tied themselves up in knots and I started shaking really badly. Finally I went and told Debbie and Patrick (resulting in more crying and shaking), then I felt even worse coz Debbie rang allocations to get someone to replace me, and I felt like I let everyone down and stupid and weak and pathetic. I hated myself so much! I'm just a pain in the ass and I don't know why anyone bothers with me.
Anyway, I left work and went to Trish's coz David was out and I didn't want to be by myself. So I got some bourbon and my stomach felt really crook, so I only had 3 drinks in like, 4 hours, I couldn't eat or even have a cigarette, I felt like I wanted to vomit. I kind of forced myself to have a few chips and cigarettes just so I'd look normal, even though my hands were still shaking. Trish gave me a cone too which made me feel better for a while.
I rang David eventually, to let him know what was going on. I put it off for a while coz he was out, and I didn't want to be a downer or make him disappointed in me. He came to Trish's and we left around 0400. Slept in til lunchtime, but I only really slept from 0530 - 1000. And now I'm on fucking night shift. How am I meant to have regular sleep patterns, huh?
Went & saw mum & dad today. I really wanted to see mum and have her tell me what to do, like mums do. I got so upset and frustrated coz she didn't seem to listen, let alone understand, let alone actually help, she was reading the paper and yelling at the football on the TV. Then dad got up (he's on night shift too), and I tried telling him, and he started saying how he copes with shift work and that frustrated me because that's exactly my point! Every fucking one else manages to work - shifts or otherwise - and can cope with it, but I CAN'T. I went and had a smoke with him and told him about the doctor and the psychologist he wants me to see, and the blood tests, and FINALLY dad got it, and I was so relieved!
David said when we left that mum told him she didn't know what to do to help me, so I felt a bit better about that then. Mum wanted me to ring Aunty Jane, but by the time we got tea, went home, picked up the boys, I just wanted to relax & not try and make someone else understand, coz I would have just got all worked up & anxious again, and ended up not being able to work again and feel bad about that again...
I hate crying all the time. I hate the tension in my stomach and all through my body. My teeth hurt because I clench my jaw in my sleep. I hate the confusion and the indecisiveness and the silly, irrational thoughts that cloud my mind. I just want to be normal, and go to work, and raise my kids, and love my partner, and enjoy my family and friends, like all the other normal people in the world. Is that so much to ask? Just to be normal.
I know things go wrong sometimes, and things change, and people drive you crazy and you drink too much or take too many drugs, and kids get sick, and cars break down, and friends leave town, and bills keep coming, and appliances need fixing or replacing... But normal people just DEAL with it without falling to pieces and crying and throwing up and having panic attacks about it. Even when their mother in law calls them a fucking bitch for no reason at all, and their son's father falls off the face of the planet & refuses to support his child, and their step-daughter is alienated from them & their partner and families, and their work involves shifts that they find physically, mentally & emotionally draining, even then, they move on & deal with it. If they're normal. Whatever "normal" is.
(addit: next to this last paragraph on the opposite page, I have scribbled "um... issues!")
Later:
The Butterfly Effect was AWESOME! The music was so intense, I had tears in my eyes, so many songs just spoke to me. I felt comforted, despite being covered in beer and crushed by the moshpit, I felt completely normal, I felt anonymous, but like the only person in the room, like they were performing just to me. Another face in the crowd, but being reached out to, like someone saying "hey, I understand, you're not alone."
"When it feels like flies
crawling through me
Coz I'm empty
I'm empty like you"
- Crave
"It's a slow decay
You'll never be alone"
-Slow Decay
"Is it dark within your mind?
Does your body ache for love sometimes?
Is it cold within your room?
Did you pray they'd come back for you?
Did the world around you fail
When it all came down on you?"
-Before They Knew
