Thoughts.com Blogs - I'm not okay

View Blog

I'm not okay

Thursday 6 December

I didn't send the kids to John's last weekend. I just don't trust him, I don't know what he's capable of anymore. Once upon a time, he would have sacrificed anything for the kids, or for me, if it meant I didn't have to struggle to raise them on my own, right up until the last couple of months, since he met Stephanie. Logan's been a handful since then too, and I don't think that's a coincidence. So mum & dad babysat all weekend for me. I went out to the local haunt on Friday night, and this sleazy dude kept flirting with me. I was bored and pretty drunk, so I flirted back, I even gave him my phone number. He started getting really creepy later on, so I asked MyDave to help me get him away from me. He was putting his arm around me and down the back of my jeans, for crying out loud. He messaged me suggestive texts, inviting me outside, telling me in explicit detail what he wanted to do to me, and it started getting really creepy and well beyond harmless flirting. Dave said, "He's alright, he won't do anything." I protested and tried to tell him he already tried to snog me, he keeps groping me, and he's creeping me out, so defend my fucking honour, but he got distracted by a big fat chick with her boobs hanging out (actually, she's sort of a friend, and she's not that bad, but I was furious that she was suddenly more important than me just because she'd quit her job that day). So I sent WorkDave a text message. He was there in 20 minutes, came inside, said hello, I hugged him, right in front of MyDave, and the sleazy wanker left me alone. It was funny. Now that WorkDave was there, MyDave felt the sudden compulsion to be with me, and left the other chick in the corner. Penny, a chick I've known for a while (she's gay and once tried to pick me up - lol), and the sleaze, who was her friend, came back to our place for a cone, sleazoid was driving, and I managed to get WorkDave to drive me & MyDave home. Well, MyDave doesn't smoke weed anyway, so he went and passed out in bed, while me, Sleazoid, Penny and WorkDave had a mini sesh, and once Sleazmobile and Penny left shortly after, it was just me & WorkDave. He leaned in and kissed me passionately, he'd obviously been dying to do it all night. He dragged me around the side in the carport and somehow - I don't know if I could do it sober - slid down my pants and slipped inside me, both of us standing up. I don't think it lasted very long, but it was pretty hot and spontaneous. I asked him to stay, since it was already 4am, and we both had to work in the morning. We went into the loungeroom and lay on the couch, one of us on each side of the "L", our heads together in the corner. I started falling asleep as soon as my head hit the cushions, and he lay there stroking my hair so affectionately. He whispered "I love you", kissed me on the forehead, and I fell asleep. Working on an hour's sleep and possibly still being intoxicated by the time I got to work was a little stupid, but I got through it. Just.

I got home Saturday afternoon to find MyDave on the couch playing Mortal Kombat. I went and laid down on the bed, and fell asleep for a few hours. He woke me up when he went to get KFC for dinner, and announced he was going to a mate's for a poker night. No worries, I was supposed to be helping my brother that night anyway. As it turned out, I got there a bit later than I'd anticipated, so I didn't do anything besides have a few bongs and laughs and bitch about my life in general - John, MyDave, work, Trish, kids, etc. Which meant I had to go back Sunday night. WorkDave came with me, and after a hilarious night of more bong-smoking and my brother and I doing all these "missions" to dispose of all his excess rubbish and clothing donations (we were humming the Mission: Impossible theme all night), Dave and I ended up crashing on the spare bedroom floor, as it was the only place we could possibly sleep. His couch was too small for the both of us. We made love right there on the carpet, a blanket over us, and cushions for pillows. After only a few hours sleep again, we had to get up and go to work. Again. By Monday night I was exhausted. I'd had more sex in the last week than I've had in months, worked a total of 24 hours, and slept around 6 hours all weekend. So I fell asleep before 1900 on Monday night, and didn't get up until after 0900 on Tuesday. I was grateful for the day off. However, I had to help Rick again. I woke up to find FIVE messages on my phone. One from Trish, two from Rick, and two from WorkDave. I proudly told them all I'd slept 14 hours straight, and Dave volunteered to come help me with Rick. What a day. We moved all his stuff in under 5 hours. We went & hired a trailer, and brought a lot of stuff to my house just so he could store it somewhere. I made the shed into a little chill-out room with his couch and TV, it's pretty cool. Rick took me & WorkDave to the pub down the road for a pint (Me & Rick ended up having three), which was pretty cool. I got sunburned on my shoulders from sitting out in the sun. Just as we were about to leave, this random lady came and sat down with us, announced that she's killed two men (turned out she meant two husbands that had died of natural causes), and proceeded to tell us her life story, inviting us round to her house, she was so lovely. A bit weird, but I guess she was just a lonely old lady.

Rick ended up staying for the boys Christmas concert at school, which they were rapt with, then he took us out for tea for all you can eat, MyDave included. I wasn't very happy with MyDave. He didn't even make it to the concert, he was more concerned about his lawnmower being moved out of the shed. He didn't ask how we went with moving, just complained that there was all this extra "shit" in our house/shed/backyard, and bitched about how hard his day was. Then I had to drive Rick back to nan's, where he is now officially living, and take the trailer back to the service station. I was stressed after the day, and dropped in at Trish's for a sesh and a few drinks, and rolled up home just before 0300. Dave woke up. Of course. He started having a go at me about how much time I've been spending with my brother, and how I spend more time with Rick and Trish than I do with him. I didn't tell him I'd spent the last 4 hours with Trish. I said, "gimme a break, my brother needed my help. you'd do the same for your brother, especially when he didn't have anyone else!" He sees his brothers all the time and I don't give him shit about it. The fact that I had to work all weekend ruled out most of that for me, so I spent my day off with my brother. What's so fucking wrong with that?! He went on about how I have a responsibility to my family, blah blah blah, and I said, "well, last time I checked, my brother and my grandmother were part of my family too" which shut him up for while. He apologised in the morning, before he left for work.

So yesterday I didn't feel guilty at all about going to see WorkDave and having a four-hour marathon sex session. It was different though. Somehow. i can't put my finger on it. Maybe I was just distracted. It was awesome as usual, but it took me longer than usual to get into it, which, really, isn't that long, but i noticed it. Then, last night, I fixed up a few things in the shed I'm now calling the Opium Den (it looks pretty hippy and sleazy), and called MyDave down to see. He sat on the couch and started getting frisky with me. Remember I'd already fucked WorkDave, like, five times that day. Obviously, we couldn't do anything then & there, the kids were still up, but I thought he might try later on. I don't know if I wanted him to or not. I didn't want to have sex with him, but I partly hoped he wanted to, just so I'd know he was still attracted to me in that way. I'm seriously doubting it these days. When we went to bed, he started talking about himself again and how busy his work schedule was for the next few weeks leading up to Christmas, complaining about the fact that I had late shifts for a majority of that time and telling me to swap my shifts or work something out with someone to pick the kids up from after school care. Hang on. Why do I have to swap shifts and rearrange my life for him? Why is his work schedule more important than mine? Especially since one of the shifts he wanted me to swap was a TL shift, which I'll be getting more of as more people go on annual leave. Then I asked him when he picked up the kids tomorrow if he could get a vacation care booking form. He told me to RING THEM. They're not open during school hours, you fuckwit. I got really annoyed at how everything seems to be a hassle for him, picking up the kids on time is always such a fucking drama, it's not that hard. I have friends who love Callan and Logan more than he does, and they'd be only too happy to pick them up for me. I don't have to rearrange my whole fucking work roster just so YOU can do your job. Dick. See what I mean - no repect for me or what I do. I swear he thinks I go to some place for 8 hours a day and do nothing but have tea parties. And that shift, if I'd have swapped it, would have meant I'd be finishing at 2330 one night and starting again 8 hours later, which I went through hell to get eliminated from my roster because of the stress and anxiety it left me with. Does that matter? No. His stress levels are more important than mine, his job's more important, his kid's more important, his opinion, his needs and wants, fucking everything. I feel so unappreciated. So even if he had tried anything, sex was totally out of the question. It would have just been about him anyway

WorkDave makes me feel so alive. He looks at me like I'm a goddess, he treats me like a princess, he talks to me like a person, he fucks me like an animal, he hugs me like he means it, he touches me like I'm made of crystal. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy and understood. He loves me like I've always wanted to be loved. I'm sitting in my opium den now, Dave's coming over this morning before we both have to work this afternoon. I can't wait to see him, to feel him next to me, to take in his aura, his love, his passion. Passion for something other than himself.

Posted by scratchkitty on 2008-01-16 01:26:33 | Rating: