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i just wanna live

Thursday 29 November

Ironic. I Just Wanna Live is the ringtone on my mobile for John. John. Wow. Has he ever changed since he moved in with this Stephanie chick. What a bitch. I can only put it down to her, coz that's the only thing that's really changed in his life as far as I know, and now all of a sudden he doesn't give a hoot about me or anything besides himself. Okay, he's always been pretty self-centered and "all about me" but he at least would stop and think about me and the kids and do what he could do to help us out. I could ask for money to help pay for school fee or vacation care or dentist bills, and he'd give me whatever he could afford. Now he's being a jerk and just cares about his own financial situation and what's in it for him. He sent me a text last night at work, and said "do I get boys this weekend or not?" followed by a second text half an hour later (I had been busy at work and didn't check my phone) saying; "I'd appreciate a response 2nite plz. Btw, u should be hearing from my lawyer soon as I'm sick of this crap u keep trying 2 hold over me". Nice huh? Threatening me with lawyers?! What the FUCK?! The "crap I keep trying to hold over him"?! Turned out he rang me, and I let fly. I went outside and Annie was sitting out there having a smoke, so she heard my end of the conversation. She's met the kids and loves them, especially Logan, coz he went straight up to her and hugged her. When I got off the phone, sh called me over with her arms out and wrapped me up in a big hug. I cried, and she started crying too, I felt bad about that. I apologised that she'd had to hear my colourful language, and she told me she loved me. She's so gorgeous. She's like an adopted grandmother to me. Then I paced all over the backyard to stave off the anxiety attack I could feel coming. I chain smoked four cigarettes, and finally retreated back inside where I'd left Sam sitting on the toilet. Her knee was giving her hell, so while I waited for Dave to come and help put her to bed, I gave her her medications and sat on the floor in the bathroom supporting her knee to help alleviate the pressure. She asked me if I was alright. She'd heard me yelling at John earlier, so I told her the story, and she listened, clicking in all the right places and even vocalising the c-word, which made me laugh. Dave came in after about 20 minutes and we put her to bed. He gave me one of those lovely big warm hugs he gives, which made me feel better again.

I'd spent all day with him, since around 1100. I went to his place and after the pent up sexual tension of the last week, we pretty much went straight to his room and got naked. He kissed me all down my neck, over my breasts, my belly, and down to pussy town. Awesome. Just plain awesome. MyDave has done that, gee, hardly ever. I could probably count on one hand the amount of times he's done it in the last two years. But WorkDave went all out, it was incredible, he really enjoyed doing it. Some guys do, some guys don't. Those that do always do a better job. Wow. It was incredible. So, anyway, after he did that we made love, then cuddled, then made love again, then again... then he made me something to eat and I left for work. He arrived half an hour after me, and although we were working in different houses, we had our tea break together. As we were sitting out the side in the staff area, Carmen and her husband pulled up with their two dogs and eight border collie/blue heeler puppies. They were so cute. They stayed for about an hour, showing off the pups to all the residents, who were absolutely smitten. One of the puppies, Tinkerbelle, fell asleep in my arms. She was so adorable. I wanted to take her home. After work, since Dave & I finished at the same time, we went to K Mart car park and talked and had a joint, and ate the scorched almonds Lina one of the night staff gave me. She loves me, she thinks I'm adorable. I don't know why. Then we started cuddling and kissing, and one thing led to another and we had sex again, which was so cool, he brought me to climax several times. He's so sweet, and I may have mentioned, the most amazing kisser. Afterwards I had to pee so bad, I went and squatted behind the car and peed like a racehorse. It was pretty funny. I didn't get home til nearly 0500, and slept in til 1300 today. Still, I managed to get the grocery shopping done, and cleaned up the house a bit, so I don't feel too guilty.

I had a weird dream last night (this morning?) though. I was walking through this area that looked pretty nice. Big houses, there was one house on a corner that was being renovated, and a guy sitting out the front talking to someone about rendering. I walked past all these houses, feeling lost, and the path changed from a blueish purple gravel to grey. I felt really lost when I hit that grey gravel, so I turned around, followed the blue gravel back through the big houses and into this slum-type area. There were primary school kids everywhere in school uniforms, between the ages of 8-12, and every single one of them had a bong. Even the little ones. I kept walking through them, getting pushed around through the throng, and came through these industrial looking buildings to ... I don't know. Somehow the next thing I remember is being at a beach. It was a small beach, and there was a building to my left, a kiosk or changerooms or something, and there were plants on the beach, like little palms, and someone was talking about how well they'd grown since they'd transplanted them there. I looked at the plants and couldn't see anything spectacular about them, besides they did seem to be thriving, but I was thinking what would happen when the tide came in. The beach itself was one of those gravelly shelly beaches, not so much sand. Just then, the tide DID come in, really quickly. People had to run up to the road. I looked back, and my friend yelled out, "See how deep it is!" so I ran back into the sea, and it didn't even reach my knees. I ran back out to her, whoever she was, maybe Trish, more likely my high school friend Darlene who I haven't seen in over 7 years, and we went back to her house. As we were walking back (and again, the streets were vaguely familiar, not somewhere I'd been recently or even regularly at any point in my life, but they had a distinct feeling of famililiarity - makes me think of the Tiss family my parents used to be friends with for some reason. As we walked back through these familiar-yet-not streets, a convertible sports car pulled up beside us, and it was WorkDave driving. I felt faintly guilty, because I think I knew he was coming to pick me up, and I was ditching Darlene for him, even though he was just dropping me home. Only thing was, it 4am and there was a party at my house, which also appeared to be Mum, Dad & MyDave's house too. He pulled into the carport, and I weaved my way in through the back door, through all the party guests, who were mum and dad's friends, and into the spare bedroom where MyDave was sleeping. Yes, sleeping. The house was very basically a modge-podge of memories of houses I've lived in. Mainly, it resembled the house we lived in when we first moved from the country, except single story and the bedrooms were more like the ones where I'm living now. The furniture and decor were like what's in mum & dad's house now. There were even hints of that dream I had about the house with the ballroom and the empty studies in it too. I went back out to WorkDave who was hiding in this shiny convertible, had a quickie, then went back inside. I wanted to have a shower to wash out all the saltwater from the beach, but I couldn't, because the shower was being used by someone else. I'm surprised at how much detail I remember, but don't remember much else after that. Except there were lollies and junk food all over what was supposed to be my bedroom, and that was where all the kids had been playing. There was a playstation set up, and kids were sleeping all over the place, except those who were on a sugar rush who were bouncing off the walls. I'm going to have to look up what that all means.