Wed 1 August 2007

It's 1600 and I'm feling really anxious and I don't know why. I feel so selfish, I told Logan off just for talking to me. Literally; I said "Okay stop talking now, you're stressing me out." Sigh. He just wanted to know what was for tea.

There has to be triggers. At the moment, it feels like everything makes me anxious, but that can't be the case, I'm just highly strung. Maybe if I figure out the triggers I can manage all the little stuff better. Ok, so what happened today? I woke up to dad banging on the door at 1230 (I've been on night shift, remember?), had a nice chat with him, wasn't feeling too bad until I started talking about my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow. I told him I know it won't all be solved in one session, but I feel anxious about the process and how long it will take and what I'll do in the meantime. I've pretty much resolved that I'll have to see the doctor and probably get some bezodiazapines or something. But I still felt okay when dad left. then...? oh.

Trish rang me and I talked to her for a while, and was still okay, but then she messaged me... that's it. She was pressuring me to come over even after I said no coz I had a heap of housework to do and pick up the kids from school. I did some dishes, folded some washing, getting more and more anxious as I had to pick the kids up. It meant I had to deal with them being whiney and arguing and fighting. Not that I see them like that, but it's inevitable when you have two boys aged 9 and 6.

So what does that mean? What's the trigger? Pressure? Responsibility? Fear of not coping? Having to make decisions? All of it? Some of it? What?