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personality
I'm weak. I know this, and yet I don't think any less of myself. However i don't think that what you percieve as weakness is the same as what I think on the matter. But then again mayb Descartes was right, maybe you dont think at all, in which case this whole episode is pointless. Unfortunatly if I continue to follow that train of thought insanity becons. Maybe it does anyway, I suppose it is my job to make sure I dont stray out of the accepted. Now I realise that I am starting to sound like some sort of semi-intellectual musician who has read someone else's opinion and realised that by trying to be "punk rock" or having a "differernt" view point there record sales may go up. Yes thats right hello Greenday, Eminem and U2, and whovere the rest of you are. These people who live in fucking Monte Carlo or Venice or sao pualo or wherever, and yet they still can find it in their hearts to try and persuade us, the working class population of the world to give our money to charities in Africa. Now I don't argue Africa is in need, but what about the 40%(or more) of Americans who live in poverty, the single mothers,the orphans,the war veterns and widows and the retired. Utter pish that these people are instead stuck on chatshows or recieving medals, how has a chatshow or a fucking victorias cross ever helped anybody?
But this is not about the flaws in others, it is about the flaws in myself. I know that I am shallow, I can see that in myself redily but I also see no problem with it as it is fun. I know that i am one sided and impossible to argue with,unless I like the person I'm fighting with and I do not say what I think, which I also think is a problem. I cannot think properly, it is varied and uncomfortable, I cant control what i think which sometimes to leads to fantastic results but other times leads to desaster. I can't stop myself when im angry. I cant belive any authority figure. I can't trust people without evidence, which ashmes me now that I think about it. I cant stop when I write which leads me to stay up for stupid hours. I think i may be alcoholic as I can't remember the last week i didnt drink in. I don't like walking beside or infron of people because i can't see what they are doing, trust issue. I think I am sexist, although I truly to not want to be, most of my friends are girls. I have ideas that I can never remember. I can't commicate with my mum. I know my dad loves me but we cant have a conversation without argument. I don't in anyway shape or form think that im useless but I have friends that are in someway better than me. All i can do is talk but i still feel as if i cant interact, every time i speak to somebody i wonder if i have somehow insulted them, be it christians,muslims,black people,white poeple,asians,family,freinds,strangers. i feel as if sometimes i need to have someone to rely on. I have alot of things i don't like about my self but i would rather not talk about that nobody knows about that don't look especialy good in public. I want everybody to like me, I try to avoid confrentation, which offcourse leads to confrentation. I cant and dont want to commit to anything, i have never had a girlfriend(this is not because i am a recluse i assure you, jus the fact that i blow my oppertunities generally with other girls) and i have missed alot of realy good girls because of this. I cant realy empathise. I know what people like to here, so instead of saying what is on my mind i say the accepted or maybe i dont depending on the situation. Its funny the more I think about this I realise i could keep writing this list for hours but i wont.
I dont know why I'm writing this, maybe just to get it of my chest as the Americans say. Or maybe i just want to evaluate myself. But I doubt it, I have a feeling that if I ever got to close to the edge my mind would just push me back, and I would end up in depression or denial or schizophrenia or dementia whatever the "docs" are calling it these days. And has my font changed? What the fuck! How strange I was on a thought train there. I think what is annoying me here is that i hate the fact that i can say whatever I want these days but if it deemed to different i will be put away. Actually its not even that, its the fact that I cant say "fuck terrorists", or we cant print pictures of Muhhamed because, somebody will manufacture will worse pictures and claim them to be mine, you dont believe me? Thats what happened in Denmark. Because of to Muslims who wanted to be dickheads. This is not an insult to Muslims as i think the majority of them are significantly better than the majority of other religions. But I cant agree with the viel(may be spelt wrong.) its derogetry against women. Or i cant say fuck the pope because of his stance that the condom will kill more people than the A.I.D.S virus(old pope...but still.) what kind of malicious bastard would do that? This caused the death of millions of Africans, which i might add couldnt be helped by any of bono's,tre's or Madonas money. Or what about sayin that the Jews are utter cocks for allowing their belivers to abort a feutus in the womb if it is disabled! This is possibly the worst case of retarded(jew not baby) thinking I have ever heard. What kind of "loving" religion would do that. I know that religious among you will say that i am picking out the bad texts but why is there any bad texts as god is omniscient and omnipotent? Why(or should i say how) could he make mistakes, if he is in every way shape or form perfect. And if the bad bits wern't written by the man himself then who by considering the fact that he could change what ever misgivings us humans have done to each other. And surely an un-born baby should not be allowed to do die...hmm god? Maybe that one was a mistake, alright ok I'll let you of with one. But man i've got to ask, if civilised intelligent humans have been around for however many thousands of years why was Christianity only started as a religion 1500 years ago and Jewism a few thousand before that? When the greatest civilisations known to man existed before these times. All the introduction of monotheism has done to this world is rid it of the once powerful(and much more peaceful) place it once was.
enough.
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i have found that a lot of people who were found to be genius' were also considered a bit "crazy" or "ecclectic." and i think its not so bad to know who you are.. at least you recocgnize and acknowledge your "faults" most people try to hide them and act like they don't exist
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Posted by Janie
on 2007-09-19 02:34:53
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| Views: 91
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