He finally got home from the bar and talked for 2 hours, expressing his thoughts. At one point he said to me " I may be dumb and stupid, but you know what?" After 18 years together I could pretty much guess at where he was going with this, and my shackles were instantly up. I told him I would much rather be called dumb and stupid than be accused of being a woman. So, a little background on me, now that I am wide awake. I was 30 when we first got together. Still fairly naive and old-school in my thinking. There was no greater reward or desire than pleasing my man. And I literally lived for that very purpose. He's a smart man, very intelligent, extremely aware of the world around him; a tormented soul is probably an apt description. The point is, he had alot to teach me and I was an eager 'student'. He educated me on the ways of women, the great flaws we have. Such as no accountability, getting away with much more than men do, and having much more help. He really did open my eyes. I don't like admitting there is truth to what he says, although it's not that black and white. Well, the years go by and these conversations are repeated over and over, and after about 10 years I'm starting to take it a little personal by now. At the same time his hunger for attention is growing. The more you feed the appetite, the larger it grows. Expectations grow, selfishness grows. On my end, resentment and shame grow more and more. He's got me backed into a corner now and the rebellion has set in. If I'm going to be accused of being a 'woman', then damn it I may as well become one! If I'm going to be accused of not loving him, then I guess I really am dumb and stupid too because obviously I don't know what love is either. To be perfectly honest, I am becoming the person I feared the most; selfish and bitter. Though it may look like I am 'bashing' him, that is not my intent. Most of what he says is true, and most of his reactions are simply human nature. Sometimes I wonder which is the harder battle; life itself, or relationships.
Posted by scmidnitelady on 2008-04-12 06:00:56 | Rating: n/a | Views: 54
I have a few more words to describe that jerk you're with: arrogant, rude, and very demeaning. How can you put up with such a "man"?
The flaws women have??? What about the flaws of men?
Women have plenty of accountability. When a guy pressures a woman into not using a condom because the sex isn't as good for him when he wears one, who is more accountable when the woman gets pregnant? The guy isn't the one that has to deal with the decision of whether or not to keep the child.
Having much more help? I worked in a profession that was almost entirely male, and let me tell you that while I am a relatively tiny woman, I could go head to head against many of those guys. I proved this time and time again. In some aspects of the job, I was better than them because I was smaller.
Don't let a guy make you feel like less of a person.
I will stray clear of the flaws debate (I know, cop-out). Instead, I caution you on something you touched briefly, the person inside, the one we all have. I used to think my greatest fear is dying alone, until I met that person inside me. Now it is the fear that person might take control.
Be strong and stand true to yourself in your time of sorrow Seek comfort and support in friendship, even if it is on here with us. But you must never give in, never let it take control.
Some may think my ramblings crazy, but I have seen it's affects. For another fear of mine, the woman I love, may be lost to me because she gave in to hers.
