Thoughts.com Blogs - Suck It Up

View Blog

Suck It Up

I wish I could just suck it up. It's not fair, but I can't change anything about it. I always find it so annoying when people complain and then don't get up off their ass and do anything...now I guess I'm a hypocrite. Even if I don't complain to anyone. I've never done that before- kept my mouth shut when I'm angry. But what's the point of arguing when you know the answers, and you know there's no chance of winning?

I'm a thousand miles from "home", of which I'm glad about. I live in a dinky little town on the East coast, more hick like than you could ever imagine. The problem is, I'm with my Grandmother for seven weeks. Four weeks now, I've already been here for three. Last summer, I was caged inside a dinky apartment with literally no place to go. I had no ride into town (not that there's anything to do there anyway), and I couldn't even take a walk. If I tried, I would be swarmed no matter how much bug spray I put on. And when I say swarmed, I mean moths in my hair, bees following me everywhere and getting eaten alive by mosquitos. I had no internet. No friends to contact. I'm not crazy about tv. I didn't even have anything to read. I spent the summer trying to sleep the days away.

This summer, I get to go outside at least. I go to the malls occasionally, we go out to eat, we go to the library...It's better. But not great. I have to babysit my little cousins, all little terrors a lot. Even when they don't need to be babysat, we go over to my Aunt's for lunch or dinner. It's too much for a girl who a) isn't used to being around kids b) hates being told what to do by bratty two year olds and c) isn't real crazy about kids to start with. They're cute, but they cry and scream over EVERYTHING. If I had acted like that when I was that small, I would have not gotten away with it. I do my best, but they drive me nuts. And this week it's practically 24/7 duty. Oh goody.

But what I'm most depressed about is going back home and having my birthday. It's not going to be special. I get to sit at home and play video games or watch tv. My mom just got married, so there's not much money for presents- which I don't really care about anyway. I just want to do something that I don't always do, you know? It's supposed to be a happy day, and I'm going to be feeling less than awesome. I know it's petty. It's just a day, right? But it's about how much I hate that I'm defined by where I live. How much I hate the snobbiness of the hicks I live around that I can't even muster enough aquaintences for a party. How much I want to get out.

I can't even escape long enough to go and volunteer to be with someone less fortunate than I am, so I can realize my life doesn't suck as much as it feels like it does. I'm lonely. I'm ambitious but nobody's giving me an inch to go with it. I'm trapped. I try not to sound like an angsty teenager whining about her ruined sweet sixteenth, but it's so much more than that and there's nobody to even condemn me for it. Much less understand.

When I get home, I get to sleep in my now step-sister's room, share our teensy little apartment that snugly fits two with four practically strangers. I don't even get my own space to be pathetic and moan anymore. I want to suck it up, and tell myself that it's only temporary...but everything's only been temporary for too long and I want out. I want at the least my own room (I'm an only child, I'm not eager to suddenly share with a messy older step-sibling), a place to go, and a few friends. Preferably ones that are not suffering from delusions and do not have a temporary residence in an asylum (I'm not kidding. Some people say their friends are crazy 'cause they're weird. Mine have a doctors note to prove it).

Someone save me, if only from myself.

Posted by savourytrash on 2008-07-15 09:55:15 | Rating: