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As I get older, as I mature, as I watch my son grow, I find myself becoming more and more disenchanted with the world. All this violence bothers me. People's general lack of respect for other people bothers me. Life wouldn't be so hard if people genuinely cared for others outside their own personal circle of family and friends. 
What set me off today was accomplished just by opening up today's newspaper. There was a special article dedicated to child abuse. The first thing I noticed was a large picture of a beautiful little boy who shared the same first name as my own son. He had died at the age of 2 at the hands of his mother's boyfriend, who apparently grew angry because the little boy refused to go to sleep. He threw this 2 year old baby up against a wall, and this baby died.
There were numerous others mentioned in the article, and it bothered me to the core. I've noticed that about myself, that especially since my own baby's birth, things like that get to me. I couldn't even read the article at first. I had to close the newspaper and come back to it later. I sometimes get frustrated with my baby, there's no doubt about that. Part of me thinks I even had a bout of Post-partum depression when he was first born. My son's father and I both thought it would be best for our son if I stayed home and cared for him for at least the first year of his life. I have found that I am probably not stay-at-home mom material.
A little off the subject, but I'll get back to where I was. This is a discovery that is important to me. In the future, I would like to have more kids. I love that my son is a little extension of me (well, at least partly so), and that through him I will continue to live on, even after I die, and through his children, there will still be a little part of me, and so on and so forth. But I was someone who was used to coming and going as she pleased. I went to school, I went to work, I hung out with friends...all on my own schedule. A lot of my self-esteem is tied up in my ability to work and make my own money. I enjoyed my time with my best friends. After my son's birth I felt like I was obligated to give all of that up and it depressed me. He would cry nonstop for an hour every morning beginning at 4 a.m., and it would have nothing to do with being hungry, wet, or tired. I would be home alone most of the time and it would make me feel inadequate, flustered, nervous, and did I say inadequate?? Not only was I unable to calm my baby or figure out what was wrong with him, I wasn't keeping up with the housework (a fact several people pointed out to me, thanks a lot) and I did not feel like myself.
It was mostly self-imposed isolation, I suppose. I could have taken advantage of all of our relatives and continued Jazzercising, or taking a class, or doing something so I felt more human and less robotic. But I felt that, as a mom, I was supposed to dote on my infant. I know better now. When I have another child, depending on circumstances, I will go back to work sooner, I will be better at communicating my needs, and I will not completely let go of my own self-identity. That is a recipe for emotional disaster.
www.postpartumdepressionhelp.com
Anyhoo, knowing that I will not be around forever to protect my baby is making me more aware of the destructive path American society seems to be going down. I don't care what anyone says--this "war" is pointless and is wearing on our economy and morale. At a time when our nation needs to be uniting to find solutions to the problems that plague us all--health care is messed up, our educational system is unfair, people are losing their homes, jobs are scarce--we're worrying about politically-imposed topics such as abortion and homosexual rights which I believe is the government's way to keep us focused on stuff that really doesn't make a difference in our personal lives. I don't believe in abortion--for myself. I am not a homosexual--that is my individual choice. Whether a woman has an abortion, or whether gays marry, does not affect me getting a job and being able to provide for my son. A round of applause for the American government for figuring out ways to push the real issues to the backburner.
I worry about Black culture in particular. My son has a lot of positive direct influences in his family, but the ones he will see on television for the most part are not. I want us to get back into the overall spirit of achievement and Black enterprise and achievement. I remember reading an article talking about the pros and cons of integration. I wish I had saved it. But basically once we were integrated, our own communities stopped flourishing. From my own personal opinion, once we integrated we stopped feeling personally responsible for our own communities and children, and education. Now we were at schools that gave our history only one month, albeit the shortest of the year. That to me is absolutely disrespectful of our rich heritage.
For the most part these cats had the right idea:
 +  = Black people empower and enrich themselves instead of expecting others to validate us
Despite the problems with America I have high hopes. I just want to do as much as I can to make it a safer, better place for not only my son but all the innocent kids. I hate these stories of abuse and murder. I look at that billboard of Raven Jeffries everytime I pass it and see her big brown eyes and wonder when someone will have the courage to come forward and admit they know who killed that baby and burned her body. Such a despicable act. I wonder what I can do to put an end to other despicable acts.
Raven Jeffries, below. Beautiful.
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www.amw.com/fugitives/brief.cfm?id=40042
Someone avenge this child's death. She didn't deserve it. The kids never do. It amazes me what people do to one another, with no conscience, without worrying where they will go when, not if, they die. The mere prospect of spending my eternity anywhere other than somewhere peaceful compels me to try to be a better person everyday and to teach my son to value others and their lives, no matter how different they may all seem.
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Posted by sasmith on 2007-11-18 13:15:03 | Rating: | Views: 252
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Darn, hit enter and didn't mean to. I feel the same way about this country even tho I am older than you, probably old enough to be your mom. :) Anyway, as I get older I too am becoming more and more disenchanged not just with our own country but the world in general. People don't seem to care on the surface, but then you come across blogs like this one. And hopefully, my blog too. So, don't despair, two people care. We just have to keep our eyes open for the others and I bet it is one big beautiful club. :)
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Posted by CountryRoads
on 2007-11-18 14:01:01
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just nods, agreed
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Posted by kentlass
on 2007-11-18 15:45:05
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What a good posting. I'm with you on all you've said. There is hardly a day that goes by that I don't shed at least one tear for humanity, even when thinking about and researching the true pasts of this country and all of the innocent blood shed on our soil.
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Posted by Rachele
on 2007-11-18 19:59:27
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Great posting, a lot of people need to read this one. By the way I do agree. I shed my tears today from missing my child even though I know she is in a better place than this earth I still miss her.
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Posted by Books
on 2007-11-18 22:46:46
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Wonderful post. You are definitely not alone in your thoughts and frustration.
I myself worry so much that sometimes I wonder if I could handle bringing a child into a world like this (I do not have children yet). I don't know that I could ever NOT have a child, if that makes sense, because I desperately want to be a Mother. (Most beautiful job there is :) But it's terrifying what our country and our world has come to... that it has given me doubts.
Here's hoping for change and a better future for all of us!!!
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2007-11-19 10:03:07
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Very moving post.....because of people like you who DO care, there is hope.
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Posted by samshaw91
on 2007-11-19 16:58:55
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You expressed yourself so well when it comes to the heartbreak of violence against children; as a parent I can completely relate. Thank you for taking the time to get these thoughts out there.
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Posted by GhostOfDerekD0min0
on 2008-03-20 08:54:11
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