Ya know, I am pleasantly shocked right now. I can honestly say that I didn't think anyone would read my blog, let alone respond to it. But I appreciated the responses that I got and thank you all!! It was nice to read the comments and realize that there are people out there who have the same worries as me and that gives me an undescribable feeling of hope. 



I used to be an optimistic person who believed that most people are innately good and wouldn't hurt me or anyone else. That mentality was destroyed when I was assaulted in 2003. It has taken a long time for my faith in people, especially in men, to be restored, and those comments definitely help. My healing from that attack will be a lifelong process but as long as I know there are people out there who care about others, I will not only be successful in the end, but I may be able to reach out and help someone else.

I fought a long, hard battle with the legal system to have my assailant put away, and in the end, nothing happened. Well, nothing worked out in my favor, and I ended up having to abandon my first school, the one I loved, during what would have been my senior year. I have not, and probably will not ever, get past that. But it's getting better and I'm finding it easier to deal with past abuses and betrayals by opening myself up more and allowing myself to glean strength and wisdom from others.

   


I wasted a long time after that with the whole "woe is me" mentality and it was understandable. I found that a simple change in the way I thought about myself helped immensely. Instead of remaining a victim I became a survivor. There is a certain empowering characteristic to that term. There isn't a right or wrong way to deal with personal tragedy. I did the best that I could. But now, with things going so well, and another Thanksgiving right around the corner, as well as my birthday, I don't intend on spending too much time griping when I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, it will be hard, as holidays always will be since my gramma's passing. But I've also gotten a better perspective on her death. She was having such a hard time before she died. She was alive, but she was not living. Everyday was a struggle, filled with medications, dialysis, pain, hospital stays, ambulance rides, worry...and I know a woman as independent as my gramma hated having to be a "burden" on her children.

It hurt when she passed, and July 12 of every year, as well as her birthday August 14th, will forever be difficult. But it would have been selfish for us to want to keep her here knowing she was in such a bad condition. God took her and freed her soul from the body that was failing her and entombing her. He did her a wonderful favor and she is up there with Him now, as well as all of the rest who have passed, watching us in perfect health, waiting to see us again. How can I be upset about that? The gramma that was here during her last year or so was frail, sickly, and dependent. The gramma I know from childhood was healthy, cooked wonderful Sunday dinners from never-ending pots (one pot would feed all ten of her children, plus their children, and everyone not only got one helping but sometimes two!) worked hard to buy her own home, and did everything her own way. That is the gramma I know is in Heaven right now.




Emma Weatherspoon--There's no words to describe how much I love that woman. Although I miss her and all my other relatives that went before and after, they're in such better hands. They don't have to worry about being attacked, about the bad economy, global warming, bills, foreclosure, antibiotic-resistant disease, etc. I'm happy for them.

I'm thankful for the very chance to have had a wonderful grandmother and overall wonderful, wonderful family. I wouldn't trade my family for a billion dollars, not a single one of them. Now honestly, I have a couple of cousins I don't particularly like. But I still love them. They just have ways that don't agree with me.

I'm especially thankful for my son. I am thankful that I was allowed to be a vessel through which such a beautiful person was delivered to the world. I am thankful to be a woman because we are AMAZING, ADAPTABLE, CARING, NURTURING, BEAUTIFUL people and I really wish we as women would stop falling prey to these "beauty ideals". Most of them are probably decided upon by men anyway! We women have to deal with so much crap but we still are making amazing strides and we don't get the respect we should and no one can convince me otherwise.

I can go all night talking about things I'm happy about. My A in my Anatomy and Phys class, my focus and motivation, the opportunity to continue my education, the stability in my life considering the chaos in other parts of the world... Speaking of A & P I suppose I should study for my test tomorrow, even though I'm extremely confident that I'm going to ace it, as I've aced the other tests. I've taken the class several times before and never did so well, and never comprehended the material. One professor just had us sit and color structures out of a coloring book. That method failed me. Another professor had concocted his own anatomy and phys "textbook" and it was really just a bunch of pages with terms, lists of structures, and drawings, with no substance. I tried, but it didn't work. Then I had to drop altogether, and the next professor sucked and I gave up on myself. This time the professor is better, and I am determined. I am determined to make sure that my son will have everything I had as a child and more.  I love, respect, appreciate, and admire my parents for the absolutely wonderful childhood I had. I lived in a safe neighborhood, went to good schools, always had one of them home with me to get me off to school with a hot breakfast, always had clean clothes and books and toys and support. Since he didn't ask to be here, my son deserves and will have all that and so much more. I'd lay down and die for that kid.

I'd be telling a bald-faced lie if I said he didn't irk me sometimes. I get frustrated when he won't go to sleep and instead stays awake and fusses. Especially since I always feel tired myself. And he is developing a personality...he will scream if he doesn't get his way and that annoys me as well!! But that is expected of motherhood. I knew there would be things that I'd have to deal with. At the end of the day when I'm watching him sleep, looking at my nose on his face and rubbing his little soft curls, or when I'm carrying him to bed and he has his little arms around me, it is all worth it and I am overwhelmed with love and pride.

I'm going to go look in on him now and study so I can go to sleep at a semi-decent hour, maybe three a.m. or so