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| Happily ever after REGARDLESS
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Excuse my language, before I say anything else, but I gotta get some shit off my chest...
You know, the past few days I have been spontaneously crying because of the things Matt said to me. It was so random and unexpected. It hurt my feelings because once again, he has me all wrong. He says he thinks I have been not going out with my friends as much because I am trying to make up. He thinks I have been spending so much time with him simply because I am trying to make up. And he couldn't be more wrong.
I am sick and fucking tired of being misunderstood. And you know, honestly, it seems like no one really gets me. So here on the safety of thoughts.com, let me pour my heart out.
I have an amazing capacity to forgive and let go and move on. I can say that with full confidence because if I can forgive a guy who I once thought was one of my best friends for cheating on me after we got to be more than friends and then ended up marrying the girl he cheated on me with, yet I can still honestly congratulate them, wish them the best, and pray that their baby is healthy, then I'd say I'm doing pretty good.
If I can forgive the man who raped me and pray that he finds a better way in life then I'd say that is a huge accomplishment.
When I love someone or care for them, I intend on doing it for the rest of my life. I am loyal, perhaps too much so.
When I say I have forgotten something, then clawd dammit I mean it. It's frustrating as hell for me to have forgotten so much stuff. It is more than likely related to me actively trying to forget being raped. Now I am forgetting a lot of things that happened during that time period. I am forgetting a lot of things that happened at Grand Valley, and then I'll remember later only after I've thought about them and the memories come back. But if the shit is painful and I've been trying to forget it, is that so damn bad? Why should I have to relive painful stuff?
Here is my take on college and in particular Grand Valley. College was a huge big ass disappointment and yes I am very bitter about how it ruined my personality. I am still not the same person I was before; I've changed more for the worse than for the good. I learned a lot of lessons the hard way and I don't necessarily appreciate it, but I do understand why some things had to happen. However, I am going to have to figure out an avenue to get rid of the anger I have toward everything GV related. There were some good times, but I have blocked a lot of them out. You ask me a question about something that happened in my high school years and any time prior to that, and I can give you a clear answer, because that was the most painfree time of my life. Ask me a question about something that happened between 1999-2003, there's a good chance I won't know. I'll think I know, tell you what I think I know, then go and think about the question, and remember the real answer. And then be called a liar.
I've blocked out the good times because they were few and far between in comparison to the bad experiences I had there. grand Valley is where I learned to dislike men. Sexually I like men, always will, but I don't LIKE them or trust them. Grand Valley is where I lost my self-esteem and my faith in the justice system, the little faith that I had. I had to leave my entire life behind and I am still pissed off about that.
Blocking the shit out obviously wasn't the way to go, but there is NOBODY who can tell me what I did was wrong. I did the best that I fucking could as always. I tried my hardest and I still do. I don't see how anyone can tell another person that the way they dealt with a trauma was wrong unless you have been in their exact same shoes. So to tell me how I should behave is just unfair. No two people deal with ANYTHING exactly alike so why anyone would expect me to just KNOW what to do, what to say, what to feel...meaning, I should have done what THEY would have done, felt what THEY felt, etc., is just insensitive.
The total point? I'm sick of being judged.
I'm tired of people who supposedly love me and are supposed to build me up being quick to point out what I've done wrong as opposed to what I do right.
I'm sick of people harping on my few mistakes and not paying that attention to the shit I do right.
I give a lot of myself, and perhaps that is why I'm furious right now. I don't have any money, so I can't do things for Matt, my parents, etc., like i'd like to. If I had the money, I would have bought Matt the car he wanted just to see the fucking smile on his face. I would be happy to pay my parents' mortgage for a month or more, or hell if I ever had the riches just pay the damn thing off. Instead I show my affections by doing other things...cooking full course meals occasionally, when I do get money I offer to help with bills, I have NEVER received money and just went and blew it on myself, laundry, stuff like that. It might not amount to much, but it's stuff that person DOESN'T have to do so he or she can relax and not worry about it. THAT IS MY TOTAL POINT. I do things out of love. I know most people are tired. So am I. But I still do it. And while I might have minded it when Jayden was a newborn, my whole mentality has changed.
I finally got to where I don't feel bad admitting that I was probably depressed when Jayden was born. I was ashamed of having him before marriage; I had lost my curves that I was so proud of; I didn't have a job to go to, which meant no escape from him, and I wasn't bringing in any money so I felt purposeless and like a burden; I was just a wreck. And whenever Matt left to go to work, I got jealous as all hell because I wished it were me and not him. I wanted to get away from my own new baby and I felt guilty about it. Now I don't. I know if I have other kids in the future, that I have to still make time for myself. Even if I do have other kids and decide to stay home with them for their first year, I will have to do something at least part time, or take a class, or something.
Part of it was my own fault, because my shame and guilt kept me from seeking the help I could have gotten; and I never dealt with the rape properly so I was just an all around mess. But if I tell this to certain people, I doubt they'll get it.
Despite everything, my spirits are high. The end of the semester is approaching. I've nailed down the direction I want my novel to go and although I got one expected rejection already, I plan on BOMBARDING publishing agents until someone picks up my manuscript. As soon as I have extra free time, I'm going to buckle down and rework the whole thing. I can probably have it done in two weeks, if not less.
My classes are going well, but of course toward the end of the semester it just gets tedious. I see the light at the end of the tunnel though; then I can apply for the nursing program and finally have some time to myself.
My weight loss is very noticeable. My appetite has changed, and I've been drinking more water. My skin is looking better, and my hair is okay.
The only thing I need to work on (when this semester is over and not a minute before) is a job, then I'll be great.
That is because I've kept my mind focused on two things--one, that if no one loves and understands me, God will. I know there were lots of swear words in this post...that doesn't mean the love isn't there. I have been trying to work on cursing, but it's a bad habit that's hard to get rid of. I have been cutting back, however. I've asked God to remove those words from my mouth so my son won't think that's an acceptable way to talk, and it's working, slowly but surely.
God will always make a way. He has done so thus far. Yes I was raped, but I survived it. yes I had a son before marriage, but he was healthy and still is. Yes I should have had a career by now, but with time and effort on my part, I will find my niche and excel. I think God's plan is a little clearer to me now. So while I am still angry about my GV experience, I understand some things...I planned on majoring in OT, but now I know I wouldn't have been happy doing that, so I was steered in the direction of the nursing program. Everything else I am supposed to do, it will be revealed to me in time. IF there is a man in my future, and that's a huge IF because I don't really care, because I am so focused on a better ME so my son will have a better MOM, God will point him out. And that's all I can do is ME. Everything else, it'll work out in the end and if it doesn't, it wasn't supposed to.
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Posted by sasmith on 2008-04-15 01:35:18 | Rating: | Views: 48
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I don't know why people have the audacity to judge you,but from reading all of the above, I believe your an amazing person who has endured a lot and you have always done what you thought was best.You can also forgive people, which is something most of us find very hard to do. Be proud of yourself.x
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Posted by southernsun
on 2008-04-15 03:47:32
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