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Day 10 of my transformation

So I finally figured out why I was having such a hard time writing and focusing on Why We Don't Tell...because how can you write a story that hasn't ended yet?

I have been struggling, absolutely struggling, to focus my writing in the last few months. I've never had problems sitting down and dashing out stories in the past. Things just came to me with no problem. I could think of names for characters, stories about them inside the stories, and plots and scenery with little brain energy used. But now I have to sit and really think and get ideas from my surroundings like never before. I have been trying to figure out what the problem is.

I think after my forty day transformation not only will I be a better writer but I will have figured out the best way to present WWDT. Obviously since it is my life story about the most painful period ever of my existence it's important to me that it is just right. If it touches even one person I'll be happy. But I see now that perhaps I haven't been able to focus because the ending hasn't happened yet. I can see now that I'll have to re-write the entire thing to include my transformation. And that's how it should be.

I have other books I want to write, but now I want to infuse them with some of my transformation. Maybe that is what I am supposed to use my writing talent for. We'll see. It will be revealed.

PDL 10 discussed surrendering to God, and the first points made were good ones. Surrender is a word always used negatively. However, the benefits of surrendering to God have nothing to do with anything worldly. When we surrender to God we're not giving up anything of significance, we're gaining.

True worship is completely giving yourself to God. Three barriers discussed that keep us from surrendering to God are fear, pride, and confusion.

FEAR: Some of us are afraid of what our friends or close ones will think if we tell them we've given ourselves to God. No one wants to alienate the people close to them. Speaking from personal experience only, not to put words in anyone else's mouth, but maybe our friends won't want to hang out with someone is a Holy Roller. No one wants to be called a "Bible Thumper", etc. But, the people who genuinely love you will support you during your transformation and for those that don't...well, they need to kick rocks. No one who loves you will keep you from God.

PRIDE: The idea that we're invincible...that we won't have to answer to God anytime soon so why bother...we want to control our lives and not have to worry about our responsibilities to our Creator. We don't want to get rid of the drugs or alcohol, because we don't know it will be replaced with something positive and more fulfilling.

CONFUSION: about whether or not God even exists!!

The above are my own interpretations, by the way.

My absolute favorite passage from this chapter said, briefly, that you know that you've surrendered when you "don't react to criticism and rush to defend yourself. Surrendered hearts show up best in relationships. You don't demand your rights, and you aren't self-serving when you're surrendered."

As we all know, the hardest thing to surrender is money. I'm a culprit as well. But come on, we all want to live comfortably and have nice things! I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I believe the only problem comes when money takes precedence over the really important things-God and your family.

Total surrender brings peace, because God is the ruler of your life and he has all the power. All other ways--drugs, alcohol, loose sex, etc--lead to "frustration, disappointment, and self-destruction..." HOW VERY, VERY TRUE!!

The question at the end of the chapter was easy for me this time around again. "What area of my life am I holding back from God?" I'm pleased to say that I don't hold back anything. He knows me more than anyone else. I can tell him all of my secrets. I can let go of my past shame and guilt and tell him I did these things, you know because you saw and you wept. Now I know they were wrong, I'm asking your forgiveness, and obviously you have forgiven because you've given me so many daily blessings!! It's a great feeling.

So, this weekend my parents are gone to Las Vegas. I am hoping they have a wonderful time, and that the plane trip is smooth for my mom. She was so nervous she went and got some anxiety pills from her doctor. So pretty soon I'm going to go join my cute baby for the night.