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| Aaahh!! I haven't been writing!!
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And as to be expected, I have a lot of thoughts and stuff that have just backed up on me.
Number one, you would think when you leave a relationship, or it leaves you whichever way it happens, if that relationship was bad, then you'd have no problems letting go. I was called every name in the book. I've been spit on, wrestled with, pushed down, etc., yet there is still love in my heart for him. But do I want Matt back? Nope.
I had a talk with God and told him everything I felt, in a jumbled but honest way. I have several guys who are expressing interest in me. Honestly, the one I want the most to express interest in me is the one who is holding back the most. Part of me believes he is being dishonest about not being in a relationship. Time will tell. All of these guys are men I've known for years, so I have more trust for them than I would for a guy I just met. I am totally uninterested in meeting brand new guys.
I was trying to fool myself into believing that I don't want to get married. I can now say with complete confidence that is not true. Married life is ideal for me. I don't want to grow old as a single woman. I don't want to spend the rest of my life searching and searching, and I definitely am not interested in having sex with someone who is not committed to me. I am also not going to make the mistake of having another child without a God-fearing husband. So yes, eventually I want to get married, but I want to marriage to have God as the head of it and have an air of mutuality...equal give and take, equal respect, equal love. Respect for similarities and understanding of differences.
Most women I know don't ask for much. I know some women are difficult, but the ones I know very well don't expect their man to be perfect. They don't nitpick when he doesn't do everything well, as long as he tries, and as long as he shows respect and appreciation and makes his woman feel unique, special, beautiful, attractive, and valued. I don't need a guy to give up his friendships or his hobbies to spend all his time up under me--that's unnatural. I don't need him to be rich--we can work toward spiritual and material comfort together. But what I do need is someone who is willing to love me as I am and be as ambitious as I am...ambitious to continually better himself, ambitious to continually better his relationship with God and other people, ambitious to continually strive for greatness.
I finished reading Genesis last week, and I'm going to start on Exodus within the next couple of days. I also need to find something I can do within the church. I think I'd like to join the choir again and perhaps help out in the kitchen when they do the feeding program on Thursday afternoons. For that to happen I'd have to be able to ship Jayden somewhere. He acted up in church Sunday bad enough to where I had to leave without even getting to hear the scripture and the accompanying message, and that made me mad. But I don't expect him to sit still and be quiet for two and a half, three hours.
As of recently, I've still been applying for ten plus jobs a week to no avail. Like I told God, I don't want Him to be offended and think I don't trust Him when I get upset. It's just normal for me to feel that way when I am 26 years old, struggled through college to get the degree I thought would allow me a comfortable living, only to be struck down. I would never have thought I'd be almost 27 years old, unmarried with a kid, living with my mommy and daddy. It is absolutely humiliating and part of the reason why I avoid seeing other people. I don't want to have to explain this situation to them.
Well, I'll probably write more later. Gonna check the job circuit again.
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Posted by sasmith on 2008-08-07 01:15:14 | Rating: | Views: 19
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