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| Social Phobia |
kay, so when you think about someone having social phobia, you may think that its just like, they avoid social situations. But in my case, its kind of ruining my life. I leave my house late for school, cause im actually really embaressed for people to see me walking. I get to school and I sit alone in math, even though everyone else sits in groups. The guys in the class usually feel bad for me and ask me if I want to sit with them, but i feel like im already making a fool out of myself.
If someone is talking to my friend, thoughts run through my mind, what did i do wrong? Presentations in front of the class, or even the though of reading out loud in class makes me extremely anxious, i get invited to parties and i made up the most obvious excuses to not go!
I am on medication for anxiety disorder, and I hope that it helps this out. Im so self concious of my weight, but my parents are alerady suspicisous about my bulimia. Recently, i have been so busy that I cannot go on jogs or workout, so the only exercise I get is the 15 minute walk to scool, when I walk around at lunch, and when I walk home afterschool, which is about 20 minute walk. I feel like Im gaining weight, and I want to kill myself. When I walk through the halls alll i can think of is, omg those people are staring at me. theyre laughing at me. theyre looking at my fat. theyre staring at my acne. they are staring right at my braces. they are picking me apart. is my hair perfectly flat? dont faint, I always feel like im going to faint.
Im petrified that I'm going to faint. All the time, but mostly when I am doing presentations or walking down/up stairs in a public place.
I just want to stop being so depressed, and start to be excited and start to live my life. Im sick of getting horrible marks in school, but I really have no modivation at all.
All my mom talks to me about is the stupid sucking military. ohhhh military coop program. I dont give a fuck. the only reason that she wants me to join the military is because she knows that Im to stupid for any real job, so just throw me in the front lines of the army. She dooesnt care.
Me and my sister regularly get in fights (as do most siblings) and my mom and my sister were talking about how they are going to leave me and my dad here. they would abandon me, and leave me with my fucking phyco father. My father, who I have NEVER , EVER in my entire life, lived a day where I didn't hear him screaming, yelling, complaining, or nagging. My father has many issues and he is a huge factor in why my family is so fucked. How could they possibly say that? How could they leave me, just get up and leave and forget me here? Am I not worthy to go with them? Not worthy of a future, with my own mother.
My own mother wants to abandon me with a phyco. She always brings it up too. "You and your dad would get along together better, you guys could just sit around and not evven talk to each other because he would always be on the computer and you would always be sitting on the phone. You guys deserve each other". i deserve him. if you knew him, you might think this, but you might not. I believe he is a horrible person, and so do majority of the people who know him. He has many addictions. Not to drugs or alcohol though. Thats another blog entry, which I cannot get myself worked up about now, because I have to get some sleep.
Tomorrow I have air cadets. yes. I fucking hate it so fucking much I cannot even express it. Tomorrow we have a drill evaluation. I am so insecure, that I cannot even perform proper drill. Yes, I am that pathetic. The only reason that I go, is because I have nothing else going in my life. Not one thing. So I tell myself , fucking suck it up you little bitch, some children would kill for this opportunity, and I go. for the whole fucking 3 or more hours.
i hate wednesdays.
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Posted by sarahh on 2009-04-29 00:09:19 | Rating: | Views: 60
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