sarahh, I am so sorry you are feeling this way, I wish I had the perfect words for you and the ability to hug you, depression really sucks huh, I have PTSD which is a form of depression.

I want to encourage you to PLEASE read my blog called attitude, it has some good information about depression and the way we talk to ourselves.

http://www.thoughts.com/Dumpling/blog/attitude-2758 06/

My thoughts and prayers are with you dear.

N~

Dear Sarah,

Poor you. But you're not alone. You're not the only one who's ever felt sorry for yourself while feeling like no-one could help you no matter what they would do or suggest. I was bullied at school and whenever I was treated in ways I didn't like, I genuinely didn't care if they refused to apologise as long as they would just stop it and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

But it was only shortly before I turned 18 that I realised that I was hiding from myself by doing this. You could say that, whatever the reasons were, I truly hated myself. I simply never stopped to think about what I wanted others to really remember me for or associate with me... and never stopped to think about what I really wanted to remember me for or associate with me.

Even though I firmly believe that we'll never meet, what you're about to hear here is one of the best moments in my life. I had gotten my degree in foreign languages and had proceeded to take up a postgraduate degree course in translation studies. Normally I'm reputed as a highly talented linguist, but no matter what I did I kept getting persistently low marks in this course - all for reasons I could never hope to understand alone, it seemed. One night I was drawn to a karaoke bar, where a couple of people were kind enough to make friends with me. They noticed that I couldn't contain my interest in performing a turn myself (it showed in my body language), and they were quick to try to coax me into it. They succeeded.

But when the moment came I knew that I didn't need anyone to remind me that I would be alright up there. It was just my moment. And right then I just made a pact that I would deliver an amazing performance. Whether those watching knew me, didn't know me, or thought they knew me but it had no idea, that was the least of my worries. I could leave as soon as I wanted when it was over, anyway.

When I finished the entire pub erupted with applause. And although I could have shared in all the ecstasy so easily, for a moment I just stood there acting like I'd had this kind of applause a thousand times. I wanted to forge a better slice of life for myself - and was there anything wrong with wanting to be a singing star - even I'd never had any formal training in singing?

You may not be able to be anything, but you can be something. One of Vanessa Carlton's albums is titled "Be Not Nobody", which I personally have interpreted as, "ditch trying to find 'the' 'true you'; and look for 'a' 'true you!' " I believe that you can tell the most about someone from what they're most proud of themselves for. Because no matter what happens, you will always have your past.

wow. you sound so much like me i started crying when i read your post. then i saw that we even have the same name. it's so seriously common though, but still..
i'm supposed to be going to see a therapist but i haven't called back to make an appointment yet because they're only open while i'm at work. yeah yeah...probably just another excuse to delay any action on my part.
i just started my blog today because i've had it with trying to keep a diary because it always gets read and i hate that! i want to just have somewhere that's just for me to freak out if i need to.
anyways, hope you're having a good day. sometimes they're so few & far between, but at least enjoy one if you're having one eh?