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There are times when one vote will elect a candidate, when one smile will save a life, when one comment will turn an entire life inside out and upside down. I think most of us have had at least one such experience. Imagine having these kinds of experiences many times per day. Can you? Whether you can or can't - welcome to my world. I see good in everything, I see love all around me. Mostly I keep it to myself. I am different and I keep this to myself as well. I always seem to get myself just where I do not want to be: in the lime light . One of my biggest terrors is getting well known because I wish to remain humble, sincere and authentic.
When I was very young there was a TV show about a fancy maid named Hazel. In one episode, Hazel befriended a not so fancy maid and she kept this to herself. Of course Hazel's secret got out and there was controversey. What I remember most is Hazel standing up for this new friend and pointing out the wealth we all bring regardless of economic status.
KC. Just remember this name, she is a woman. I will get back to her.
I am pretty old, won't say how old because I don't look it and certainly don't feel it but trust me, I've been on this planet for a lot of years. For as long as I can remember I have been different. No, I mean really. AND no, I am not mentally ill, I am not psychotic, I do not have bi-polar disorder and yes, I agree, "Denial is not a river in Egypt."
I have been working on this for a very long time trying to figure out why I am a survivor of so much tradgedy. I cannot tell you how long I have struggled with the concept of "free will" diving for connections to justify what happened. Being different is a big issue, and I've wondered if my creativity approach to life comes from the traumas that I refuse let effect my life today. I've spent a lot of money in therapy trying to figure out why i am like I am.
I decided to just accept myself, I can't say when this happened because like most of life, self-acceptance is not a task, it's a process. I also decided that my trauma's were planned - God trained me for something. I told you, don't acuse me of being in denial, I am not in denial, I am just old(er).
I don't want to be important, I want to help. I recently found an envelope stashed in a book with something i said back when I was 12 years old. "The world needs me." Maybe it does. Helping seems to accentuate my differences. Man oh man, what a drag. I just want to fit in. Just once!
There are times when we effect each other's lives, a casual glance, a passing word, the wave of a hand. After struggling and fighting with myself for more decades then I want to admit it finally comes together. Today.
I rarely see KC but had the opportunity this week. KC is very wise, she is a light. I can go on and on, so trust me, just trust me. I've been fighting my way out of a negative situation and trying to figure what to do. It's been a huge struggle, a fight. I say to KC that I want to stay positive and be a teacher. I need to be a light in the face of adversity. KC responds; '"ou already are."
At that moment there was a wave through my body, as if God put his pulse right next to my body and I saw an image in my mind of a small desk lamp, it was lit. We cannot see in the dark. The purpose of a light is so that others can see. And I heard the more mature part of myself say out of frustration: "Dummy! If you want to be a light, then you will have to risk being seen. If you want to be a light in the dark, then you will just have to be different. if there is a room full of light how does one discern where the sourcde is from? It doesn't matter, where there is light, there is no dark. A room full of light doesn't need help to see. I can go hide with all the lights and segregate myself in safe world or I can travel and face whatever darkness I encounter as a light. Of course then, I must risk standing out.
No, on second thought, it's not welcome to my world. It's more like, can I come into yours?
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Posted by sage on 2008-07-08 02:24:06 | Rating: | Views: 25
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