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I cannot describe what I'm feeling right now. Emotions and thoughts spinning...it's one of those "not so good" days. Certainly things have improved in my life over the past month or so. I'm grateful for that, but I can feel the presence of those demons nearby, waiting for an opportunity to possess me again. I know the danger is not gone.
In recent weeks, I've come out of living in my own head. I've been more social, talkative, able to take in information again and can actually carry on a conversation without the constant distraction of a "spinning mind". Third time's a charm on the mood stablizers, but I know as a seasoned mental health professional, it's not fullproof and I must constantly be aware of any changes in my thoughts or behavior.
I got a few early warning signs last night when I went out to a local club to meet a friend. The guy at the door asked, "are you okay?". I nodded yes, and could not figure out why he asked me that. Later on, someone wanted to know why I gave him a "look". A look? I apologized for any misunderstanding as I did not mean to give him a "look". I stopped drinking after two beers and switched over to coffee. Six months ago, I would've pounded five or six beers and had at least one shot of Patron to supplement. Another warning sign is the desire to keep the music playing on my ipod as I sit or walk around or watch a movie. It seems to drown out "loud" thoughts.
I do not want to go back to those days when my mere existence was more like damnation. At least I know it this time. The addicting adrenaline rush of mania only lasts for a short while before it transforms itself into a living nightmare that seems endless. There is also the possibility of the opposite: a deep depression that takes away my lust for life itself. I have worked very hard over the past year to improve my health and self-esteem. To lose that drive would devastate me and put me back in a place of poor health, weight gain, and social isolation. I would lose the desire to maintain contact with the new friends I have made recently, and I have a history of losing interest in all those things I normally love so much.
It's about balance, routine, self-awareness. I know I must take charge of this before it gets out of hand. It's late. I will sleep and hopefully tomorrow...I will be refreshed and ready to take life by the horns again.
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Posted by sag4817 on 2007-11-18 02:28:09 | Rating: | Views: 108
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You will be fine. Trust me.
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Posted by followurbliss
on 2007-11-18 02:50:39
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Sag, do u take medication for ur bi polar? my son has bi polar and u sound just like him. the prob is, he wants to stop his meds. i was just wondering what would happen if he did.
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Posted by cybaclick
on 2007-11-29 18:57:01
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Yes, I take a mood stablizer and an anti-depressant. I have quit the mood stablizers twice, and the symptoms came back...although the experience isn't always the same. He should see his doctor and talk about treatment alternatives before stopping his medication.
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Posted by sag4817
on 2007-11-29 19:13:11
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