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| Nothing horrible, nor completely satisfying |
Well life lately has been alright. Nothing horrible, nor completely satisfying or partially interesting. I'd say that life is bland right now. Not much color to it. You know, its strange.....once you've been in love. Because in order to like somebody again, its like they always have to beat that last person. Hey, I figure at least that means I have to be moving upscale, right? The thing is lately, I've been going on dates with a few people and it's like I can't develop feelings for either of the two what so ever. One is just a jerk and it would never work out but I get lonley living all by myself with no friends in the area. The other is absolutely perfect. Someone I am nearly positive I could fall in love with.....but him, he's going through a custody battle, still loves his ex, and lives a very busy and uptight lifestyle. So I'm left with.....well....Me. I started doing some more photography and got the Photoshop program. It's really nice and helps to create some beautiful work. I figure that could be considered a 'friend enough' to me when I get lonley. It's something that requries patience, time, and a beautiful place with beautiful faces and a camera. I think I like that! :) Hmm, I finished my winter courses and have the summer off. I would love to attend an oceanography class but unfortionatly I don't have that kind of money sitting around! This means that I even have less time being occupyed. Infact, this sounds crazy but now I have no responsibilities except for keeping my place clean. I don't like that one bit. You know, I watched a movie tonight and in it a guy said "In a realtionship, the one with more power is the one that cares less" and really, its the truth. But he also mentioned that the one that cares more is the one that holds the happiness, which can also be seen a true light. I wish there was the perfect balance. Someone to walk with but be so embraced that it feels like your dancing. I miss that feeling somedays, but not the people i've shared it with. It's crazy but its like I try so hard to like the people I go out with but nothing is there. Infact most of the time I can't wait to just get home and think about what I can do to make myself fall in love with them. It doesn't make sense because love is suppose to be something natural and beauitful but I find myself trying to force myself into the battle. I guess I miss having something to associate anything with. I literally am alone all week except for about one evening. I miss waking up to smileing faces, even if it is just family. I miss the innocent happy feeling I used to have as a constant reminder of why small things are so beautiful. If you were to ask a lot of peopole about me what they would tell you is that I have changed. I've transformed from a caring small town girl into a cold hearted loner who refuses to connect emotionally to other people. Sometimes I wish I could go back. I felt beautiful when I was so happy and like the world was perfect even if everything was falling apart. Now I feel lonley and unsuccessful even though I graduated early and became a full time college student right away. It's interesting what being alone 24/6 can do to a person. It makes me want to do endless loads of laundry and try to sleep my week away. My regular hobbies only include ; photography, avoiding cig smoke from other apartments, and keeping an absolutely spotless dust free home. I've become detail oriented because I find it takes up more of my time, even if it is only fifteen more minutes.
Night,
Sacrificedangel
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