“Emotions really exist at the bottom of the personality, or at the top. In the middle they are acted.”
(Iris Murdoch)

Murdoch (yet again), has a point, at least, for those who feel and think rather than rationalise and stereotype, and certainly for myself. At which point, I'd rather like to use the quotation as a starting point for a bit of a rant/moan/'I need opinions' sort of thing.

Thinking back on my own life, it has so far been a whirlwind of ups and downs; odd decisions - a scattered landscape of peaks and caves, if you will. The 'middle' parts that Murdoch talks about have been hateful at worst; entirely forgettable at best. (Though surely by becoming hateful they have some other, tangible value of their own?) I thrive on reaching summits and immersing myself in the black darkness occasionally. It keeps life interesting; it keeps the art, the poetry, the thought flowing.

The sheer torture of indecision (due to too much choice or no choice at all, of yearning for something or someone that is almost within grasp but is time and time again elusive, and of being in love, [requited or no]), produces in me a kind of inertia; an inability to move forward. The only thing I seem to be able to do at these moments is bask in the up, or wallow in the down, plunge into a kind of surreality, and to think endlessly and in great philosophical depth about the situation in which I suddenly find myself dropped like a pebble into water. If only it were possible to skim off the surface! (but would that approach, even if it were possible when in the depths of despair or the ecstatic plainsong of happiness, simply result in a coldness and shallowness which is achievable only when one feels precisely nothing at all? [To say nothing of producing precisely that middle-ground boredom which is my enemy of life...])

And the indecision I have so far felt in my life is seemingly due to never actually trusting the ups and downs I fall into. Ruling life by emotion is really the only way I can do things, and it is so far the only way I have not tried (until now). I have tried sweeping rationalisation – that resulted in me studying half a degree in the wrong subject and coming out with a mid 2:1 rather than a 1. I have tried logic - and out of that grew two years of wonderful experience teaching in Russia, but which has done nothing towards getting into academia, research and academic teaching. For it is that which my emotions have wished me to pursue, (along with writing original and sometimes violent choral scores at a solid wooden desk surrounded by books, listening to Marilyn Manson.) It is also exactly that which I have disregarded and pushed to one side because my emotions – and, indeed, my self as a whole back then - induced fear and a lack of trust which I can now look back on and scorn as being fundamentally loathsome.

Finally I come to the point of trusting my emotions and instincts, and of looking at myself and liking what I see inwardly and outwardly. And then the unthinkable happened. The emotions were firstly walked all over by a entirely emotionally screwed yet enticing young postgrad (who, actually, did give me something rather 'good' in a way: he made me reconsider and possibly even change the way I treat people in or just before relationships...what he did to me was like looking in a mirror and seeing the karma rebounding...) Then I picked myself up fairly swiftly, mainly due to the knowledge that I wasn't the only one he'd strung along in that way.. (but I still harbour a fair bit of resentment at actually coming back from Russia a month or so early to see where things might go with that scarlet arrowhead lodged in my heart.) Later, I find that, now I have eventually trusted the emotions, I cannot now follow the path of academia I crave because of a fear of financial ruin.

I have two excellent (if I may say so myself!) ideas for a PhD, and one for an MA or MPhil dissertation, (by research or taught), plus numerous article themes, all on Murdoch and philosophy, or Murdoch and theology, or Murdoch and Dostoevsky, in varying forms), and the sad thing is that I cannot express them without access to the proper resources, journals, libraries, university staff and supervisor (I already have two people who wish to supervise me!), and prior research training. I am once again far too scared to take the risk of getting to the end of a part-time MA in August 2010 and thinking, 'well, where has this £10,000 and two years got me?' I cannot bear the idea of spending a long time on anything which may turn out to be a failure. And the sad truth is that I entirely distrust the future.

And so it comes to the point at which I have come so far with myself, but am not following the career I would love because of money. I am safeguarding it for a later point – but it is inside me with an urgency which pushes to escape. However, I am sure it will last through a PGCE (which I have just applied for), which I will enjoy hugely simply because it is teaching and giving a subject I love to others...but also, that way I can earn enough money through teaching to pay for an MA at least, then go on to do a PhD part-time, but make a hugely concerted effort to find funding for it from at least the second year onwards -and hopefully before that.

It's not all doom and gloom - I'm not going to begin a rant about existentialism or any other potentially depressing topics - it's just that right now appears to be a time of middle-emotions, and I hate it. So I'm off to find some fun, some new friends in this area, some good music, some more research – anything to take away the mindless tedium of a 8-4 PA job. I will decidedly NOT suffer the middle-boredom-irksome-pointless lack of emotion I have now!

(Oh, and any ideas for MA English Lit.(MPhil at Cambridge) funding which do not involve having a high 1 degree would be greatly appreciated - I will certainly attempt a hugely original, beautifully written and enthusiastic AHRC application, (ahem!) but my chances are extraordinarily slim, considering I'll be up against candidates with high 1 degrees from Oxbridge, and I am but a humble 2:1 Durham graduate!!!)