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I miss my mom. The trouble is she is still around. Kind of. She had a brain aneurysm burst about a year ago. She’s not the same person. She has the emotional maturity level of a five year old. She wasn’t that mature in the first place, but now it’s impossible to have a conversation with her that isn’t completely superficial. I saw her when I went back “home” for winter break. The first two weeks were a nightmare. In her absence I kind of had forgotten that it had happened. But there it was, waiting for me. It was like she died all over again. The really horrible thing is that she can perceive a difference. She doesn’t know I feel this way about her, but she knows that it is different. She thinks that it is because of all of the horrible things she said to me after she got out of the hospital (this past summer she was incredibly insane and paranoid, luckily it was just a medication problem.). I admit it does hurt to hear your mom yell at you “I fucking hate you, I should have killed you as soon as you were born,” and the like, but I understand that was not her fault. No, I don’t hold that against her, but my mom, the person that was there for me for seventeen years of my life is effectively dead. She doesn’t think I miss her when I’m at school; she doesn’t realize that I miss her the most when I am sitting right next to her. I always feel horrible when I admit this, but this is how I genuinely feel, and it’s so hard, because if she had physically died, people would understand, but it’s so much worse this way. |
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Posted by rosemaryisevil on 2008-02-04 02:04:41 | Rating: | Views: 90
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i got ya. i dont know the actual feeling but i understand. If you need to a talk im listening.
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Posted by Lake
on 2008-02-04 17:14:05
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First of all Im sorry, and I know what you are going through, My father died when I was 8 and I miss him very much. But sometimes when im sad I can feel him huging me and telling me it will be ok..If you to talk im here..
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Posted by Fishingirl4life
on 2008-03-28 14:16:32
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you have it alot worse than anyone who has suffered the loss of a parent to a 'real' & final death because yours is still around to literally 'haunt' you in the flesh.
i can't imagine what it's like for you. i lost my uncle over the summer to the same thing your mother experienced but his proved fatal & i am still a mess over it.
i will say that i do almost understand it tho....my mother did a horrible thing to me about a year ago & has never once apologized or even acknowledged the fact that what she did is the reason i can't stand to be around her & why i virtually cut her from my life. (she acts like nothing ever happened & tries to make ME feel guilty for the way i respond (or don't respond as the case may be) to her) while i do this by choice, i still miss the mother i remember from my childhood terribly. though i can still see & hear & smell my mother whenever i want to, i kno she's not the same person i once called 'mommy' & it kills me.
you obviously had a good mom & she was taken from your life by circumstances beyond your control which is positively terrible.
i really feel for you & i hope that you can find a way to deal with it that allows you to eventually accept & move past it just like with any other loss of a loved one.
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Posted by foxx_flie
on 2008-03-28 16:18:24
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