Can I let you in on a secret? Whisper it quietly, for it is a matter of some great shame. I'm not breastfeeding my 3-month old son. I found it difficult and didn't enjoy it. Shocking, isn't it? I must be a terrible mother.
To be honest I feel like one. I know breast is best. I know that in kissing my son I pick up whatever germs her has and my body automatically manufactures the antibodies he needs to fight them and puts it in my breastmilk. I know that WHO and the Department of Health recommend exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months and weaning later rather than earlier. I know that breastfeeding him can give him up to 6 points extra on his IQ.
But it was my son that chose not to breastfeed, not me imposing formula on him. I've not been bamboozled by unscrupulous cynical multilateral conglomerates, I'm making the best of a bad job.
My son had a tough start in life: he was tiny, arrived earlier than expected if not actually premature, although he could latch on I produced no colostrum, and he got an infection in hospital that weakened him to the extent that he then couldn't feed and ended up tubefed in special care.
Before special care, we fought and fought to be "allowed" to give him a formula top up. A midwife told us that giving him formula was "the equivalent of giving him a MacDonalds" but he was genuinely starving and starting to get dangerously underweight so the paediatricians asked if we'd mind doing so.
The first formula, SMA gold, made him vomit - we've since found out that it's the one most commonly used in postnatal wards despite the fact that the babies that need formula most also tend to be most sensitive to it. When a baby is already underweight and thr vomiting also brings up any breastmilk they've managed to take in, then it's downright dangerous. An agency nurse (who was an angel) suggested Aptamil, and Adam started feeding properly for the first time.
As his strength grew, so did his breastfeeding abilities. He could latch on brilliantly, and feed (properly, with swallowing) for over an hour at a time. But he wasn't taking in enough to be satisfied, nor draining the milk from me, so I was expressing every 4 hours to top him up.
There's a big conspiracy around breastfeeding. It may be natural and bring many benefits but it's terribly hard, small babies find it hard to get anything out of larger breasts, it feels uncomfortable for some women even when they're doing it right, and not everyone can do it. The breastfeeding help that is available is either difficult to get because so many women need help or can be summed up as "must be latching on problems". Well, my son had them stumped - latching on perfectly but not happy at all. Suddenly, at nine weeks, Adam refused to breastfeed. This is known as "a nursing strike" and a long one apparently lasts 48 hours. Adam's never gone back to it. He screamed if put near a nipple and even now, several weeks on, turns his head away. His strike coincided with a hormone change in me, and while he was happy to accept the expressed milk I was able to produce, he simply didn't want to take it from me direct.
This is the first insult... "nipple confusion" i.e. a baby preferring the simpler action of being given a bottle to suck rather than the more dfficult task of breastfeeding. The literature around it often refers to the baby as lazy and says that while no baby should be forced to breastfeed the breast should be offered and skin-to-skin contact continued to encourage the baby to take it up again. Adam loves skin-to-skin and will seek out skin on anyone that cuddles him. He'll snuggle up to me on my chest or tummy. But put him near a nipple and he'll pull revolted faces and scream. I feel it's insulting to him to say he's confused. He's not. He's intelligent and determined. He's made a concrete choice, a deliberate decision that he does not wish to breastfeed even though I want him to.
I understand the problems with formula: mixing powder at the right temperature, sterilising bottles and teats, heating and cooling the water, all these things are a hassle. I understand the scandal of mothers in the developing world being told that formula was better for their babies than breastmilk, spending money they didn't have on it and then babies dying because they mixed the formula with dirty water. I'm as outraged by that as any woman should be and have signed as many petitions against the actions of the formula milk suppliers as I can. However, a health care provider has told me there's another new problem now - mothers who are malnourished not producing sufficient milk, and babies starving as a result. I don't know how widespread this is, but this is ridiculous. My baby would have been in exactly that position and I thank my lucky stars I live in the developed world and am articulate enough and while not rich I have enough to get my baby what he needs.
We tried cupfeeding my son his formula as this is supposed to be more difficult and make him prefer the breast. he conquered the cup at less than a week old and so we decided to bottlefeed both expressed milk and formula to him.
So I'm bottlefeeding my son. We've tried a range of teats and identified three types he likes. We've got three different types of formula on the go, all Aptamil, and use them depending on his mood. We've got two microwave steam sterilisers - one travel size. An unexpected bonus is that my husband or anyone else that wants to is able to feed Adam and gain that special feeding bond with him too. We were keen to learn any good techniques to ensure Adam's happiness while bottle feeding. But here was the second insult... the books and websites I've seen refer to "bottlefeeding with love".
With love? What else would I be doing it with? I'm hardly going to be bottlefeeding with contempt, am I? I love my son in my arms looking up at me, I love his attempts to grab the bottle for himself, to help his feeding, his attempts at massaging my hands with his in the same way he used to grab at my breasts to get more milk out. I love the joy he gets from feeding and the little grunts of satisfaction, the big smiles around the teat. I'm not propping a bottle up for my son to feed himself, I'm not treating it as a chore. I'm not sure that even a breastfeeding mother is at their best during the nighttime feeds but I do my best. Why the implied idea that it can be done without? Where's the book headings on "breastfeeding with love"?
I find it insulting furthermore that if I want to access the websites of formula manufacturers or even bottle manufacturers I have to click through screens of information on why breastfeeding is the best option and helpline numbers. I know it's better in general, I'm visitng the sites because my son disagrees. I don;t need alt rubbed into the wound.
By the way, no one mentions the trauma of expressing. Feeling somewhat like a dairy cow I plugged into an electric breastpump initially 6 times a day, then 4, 3, 2 until my milk ran out. I got no enjoyment from this, I did it so that my some could continue to have healthgiving breastmilk even if he was not able to stimulate its production. If doing that and bottlefeeding it to him is not a sign of love, I don't know what would be.
Finally, no one dares mention the class issue. There seems in the UK to be a truism that that middle class mothers breastfeed as long as possible while working class mums go straight for the formula. Maybe that's why I've experienced so much surprise from other mothers and health care professionals when they discover I'm not breastfeeding any more.
So there we have it. I'll continue to fight for the right to breastfeed in public, to put pictures of it on Facebook without an "explicit" tag appearing, to recommend it to others. I just can't do it myself. And I'll thank people not to make me feel even worse.
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