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shattered friendly dreams

Friends are people who are always by your side-in bad times and in good times...But life isn't just that perfect...i'ts very hard to find someone who'll live up to the true meaning of friendship...so if ever you've found one,take my tip,grab a strong hold to that person...

ahmm,i had this perfect group of friends once-'barkada' as we commonly call it...well 'perfect' was how i saw it...we've known each other for about 7 years...we were 3 girls and 4 boys in the group...proud to say,we were good in class,maybe because we have different subject specialties and we study together so we could really help each other out...hmm,we would hang out every after class,eat lunch together,share our deepest secrets regardless of our differences in attitude and in gender...we would really find time just to see each other during weekends(lie to parents if needed,hehe)...we also help one another in times of crisis...we would even share answers whenever our teachers give us very difficult assignments or quizzes...hahah...well,those were the happy days...

one day,we just woke up feeling our vast gap...the boys seemed to compete with us girls during the last quarter of our fourth year in high school...and they would even walk away from us girls whenever we go near them...
silly as we are(girls),we never got the guts to confront them...we would just cry for hours and hours,and laugh at each other if we already have puffy eyebags...
the three of us were together in trying to move on...it wasn't easy at all,but at least we know there was progress...

but then one day,i just heard that 'i' was the reason for the sudden change...it was because,they(boys) realized that they didn't like me at all,and they wanted to pull away...it was very hard for me to accept,for i,myself, know how much i treasured them...
since then,i felt so alone...no one could ever make me feel better,only them...only them can turn me back to what i was...every hope that i had when i still held on to the 3 of us turned into gray...because it's very hard for me to think that i was the reason why the group that my two girl friends love so much is gone...i can't seem to understand what have gotten into them...i can't even understand what has gotten into me!...

all i knew that time,was i am alone...and there is no one else to be blamed for the tragedy i found myself in but myself...

everything that i loved having was set aside...i didn't care about my grades,i didn't care what others think of me because i thought,"even my friends can't understand me,so do i still have to expect for others' understanding?"

my self-confidence is ruined...i then became very possesive to the friends that still stood by me...

every dream that my 'perfect' group dreamed of,every plan we planned together,every wish we wished,everything we made together was all an illusion...we were never really a 'barkada',we were just 'a group'...

and even though,now i have a group that we call 'sliced birds gang',it still can't replace the part that was played by the old group i used to have-the one that seemed to be so perfect...

when someone asks me how am i going,since this is not a secret to all our schoolmates,i just answer them back,"we're still friends,the pain is all gone,i have moved on",smiling...i,myself,was fooled by this words...i have always thought i was able to move on until i wrote this blog...

and now,just now,i realize,i can never be someone else better if i keep holding on our memory...but then again,i can't seem to find myself...because i can actually say,they were a very big part of my life...so can anyone tell me,how could i possibly make my life better without them if they are actually the missing part of my life?...

i love my friends today,i love my gang...but just like people say,there's no place like home...