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I've worked in a lot of different settings, in a lot of different capacities, for a lot of different reasons. I've had hospice patients pass away in my arms.... victims of sexual & physical abuse share unspeakable experiences of trauma... schizophrenic crack addicts come back to thank me 2 years out of treatment..... a bereaved mother cry on my shoulder at her only child's funeral.... 88 year old ladies share their life stories.... unemployed fathers in work skills training, just trying to master basic job skills ("how to fill out an application").... countless alcohol & drug dependent men & women on the verge of suicide.... worked with several 14 & 15 year old boys rejected by their parents & placed in state custody…. I could go on but I’ll spare you.
I've also dealt with any number of personal demons, traumas, handicaps, and losses of my own; from nearly dying & suffering masive brain damage in a car accident at age 12... to growing up in an alcoholic family.... to spending nearly 10 years of my life in a drunken stupor.... to the humiliation & injustice of being kicked out of a Master's Degree program after investing 40,000$, simply because my values, beliefs, & opinions did not sync with the University's.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I've also struggled with bouts of debilitating anxiety, depression, & insecurity for as long as I can remember -- going back to early childhood.
So why am I relating all this here? Because none of these experiences ever even come close to preparing me for the challenge of dealing with something I'd thought I knew a little bit about - given ‘all my experience’ as a hospice social worker, etc -- until it happened to me: I found out, two years ago, that I hadn't had a fricking clue... as to what people REALLY go through, when the diagnosis is Cancer.
I'm well today, by the Grace of God. But I just wanted (needed?) to put that out there… and to sincerely apologize, in spirit, to all those individuals & families I’ve come into contact over the years, struggling with the ravages of the disease – for my assumptions & assurances; that I understood…. I didn’t. I couldn’t have. But I do now.
I sincerely believe God allowed me to have cancer in order that I might become a better social worker.... It has given me a new & much deeper understanding & appreciation for the value of life; & of our health we too often take for granted. I know I always took soooooo many things in my life for granted. No more. (Yes I'm back smoking again -- right now -- like a complete IDIOT! But I'm going to quit. Soon. And God willing I won't pick them up again! ) I cannot, do not, & WILL NOT take life for granted – ever again! Our time here is so short! I want to do so many things, in whatever time I have left here! I don't want to die of cancer. It's so hideous. And so painful & unfair to family members!
I never joined a cancer support group -- and I guess I haven't really structured my entire existence around the fact that – hey look, "I'm a Cancer Survivor!", as some people seem to do. Some folks really seem to go on the 'cancer survivor bandwagon-crusade'... and sometimes I wonder if I'm a 'normal' "survivor"; because that just doesn't seem to fit for me. But I guess I would appreciate hearing about others' experience, if any one reads this who has been through it.... If you have been, or are going through it now, I can say this: I now know…. And I know you know, until you've been through it -- that no matter how much people say they understand, and are supportive, and sincere, and well-intended, and all of that – unless they’ve been through it -- they don't know. I heard recently of the 'lonliness of cancer' (maybe on here somewhere?) ...My God, it was just amazing to me to find out, two years ago, how clueless I'd been & truly was about it.... Until I was the patient.
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Posted by rogintheUP on 2007-10-25 00:30:39 | Rating: | Views: 117
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Keep well and stay healthy. :)
Namaste
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Posted by scotslad60
on 2007-10-25 03:34:20
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Hello,
I want to share a simple notion with you...you always knew...you had to know what everyone you where there to help was feeling! When you come from the beginning you came from there is no way to prepare for what path you chose in life, but what you chose. Look we often walk unconsciously through life.
We go right an don't have a clue why, you are walking the only way you know to walk.
You childhood mirrors mine, extremely familiar.
All I ever wanted in my adult life was to over-come my childhood...show the world I survived, God gave me that opportunity...he gave me a beautiful little girl who I could protect and give everything I never had!
Moriah was diagnosed with brain cancer at seven years old and in two years taught her mother who was a pediatric hospice nurse for nine years lessons I did not deserve to know.
And as far as smoking...shame on you! you have a second...maybe third chance at life...don't mess it up with temptation!
There are fabulous drugs on the market that can not just help you , but cure you!
Make an appointment!
God bless you and stay strong!
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Posted by missionmaker
on 2007-10-25 08:58:44
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God Bless YOU, Nicole! Thank you so much for your reply. I am so sorry for you & your family -- for Moriah's illness. How terrible. Made me want to cry. You are obviously a very strong woman. God has given you a lot of Grace. And your faith is a blessing to me also. And you're right: The road that we have traveled makes us who we, according to His Purpose. I'm certain your daughter's life has touched more people than you could ever know, through you.
Thanks also for your words of encouragement re: my addiction. It so happens, I did get a prescription for Chantix from my new Doc (G.P. - not oncologist) last week. Next Tuesday is my birthday... and my (hopefully last) Quit Date.
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Posted by rogintheUP
on 2007-10-25 17:02:23
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I happy to see that you have gotten through it, and come out stronger. if you don't mind, I would like to know why you smoke? Whether it is something physical or emotional, I would like to better understand why people smoke.
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Posted by Amalgamation
on 2007-10-26 10:28:22
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