The dog leashes we used until recently
Were the expandable kind
They stretch 50 yards
When I walk max and molly
They look like horizontal marionettes
They are constantly darting back and forth creating a giant tangled mess
And more often than not
I find myself held hostage
right in the middle of things
what a giant web we weave
Last week,
I was having one of those days
and I thought that taking the dogs for a walk
Would clear my head
Imagine me trying to walk down the street
looking like a guy in the Yucon trying to control a dog sled
They were so far ahead
I wasn’t sure who was walking who
because I couldn’t keep up with thier brisk pace
It looked like they were being strangled
I was afraid they were going to choke to death
I finally was able to slow them down a bit
reeled them in as one would do a fish
Much to my relief I made it to an area
where I wouldnt have to worry about traffic
so I gave them more slack
The dogs had just been to the groomers so they were
receiving many compliments along the way
Everybody wanted to pet the pretty white fluffy puppies
At one point my phone rang and I stopped to take the call
still holding on to them for dear life
I would never be able to catch those poodles if they ever took off
while I was chatting
I noticed Max and Molly frolicking in the grass
They looked like they were in a swimming pool,
doing the back stroke
I could almost read their thoughts
"Oh wow, this feels great
So much better than carpeting or hardwood floors
Oh ah, yeah, oooh
I had an itch there for the longest time
Ah, that feels so good"
When I hung up,
I noticed a big black thing
in Mollys mouth
resembling a piece of dark bark
no dog pun intended here
I digress
Anyway
I ran over to grab it out of her mouth
And to my horror
Discovered it was a big hunk of deer shit
The rest of the shit was smushed all over the grass
what was left of it
that is...
Most of the shit was completing coating my little doggies
The two of them were totally
shit faced
Looking at me with their
shit eating grins
it was as if
they wanted to say
hey this was some really good shit
I yelled
Oh shit!
As I stood there moaning and groaning and trying not to throw up
The smell was simply nauseating
Have you ever gotten a whiff of deer shit?
Do yourself a favor..…don’t
no shit!
I guess my demeanor began to scare my little pups
not enough though
to scare the shit out of them
they began to huddle up against me
and
just when
I tried to get away from the smelly duo
It began to rain
so
I just stood there,
looked up at the sky and thought
Holy Shit
God,
why?
I’m not such a bad person
am I?
Why are you putting me though all this shit?
I’m really sick of this shit
I looked down again
And was totally enmeshed in the 50 feet of entwined cordlike leashes
that looked like they had been dipped in dear shit
Have you ever seen a chocolate fountain?
Well the deer shit was the chocolate
and
the dogs were the marshmallows
I on the other hand,
looked like I was ready to be set on fire
Joan of Ark burning at the stake
Just then
I heard my phone
And when I told the person on the other end of the line that I couldn’t talk
I was too pooped
and besides
I was all tied up at the moment
I wasn’t kidding
I prayed my son was still home and had not left to go back to school
I dialed our number
He answered the phone
I said
JR
Oh deer,
I have gotten myself in some deep shit
You have to come and get me!
and thats another story
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