the right lane for me
Recently, while
getting back into the swim of things
so to speak
I have begun doing laps after many land locked years
and have greatly benefited from the way I feel afterwards
Jumping into a cold pool and working out is just too good to be true!

I realized how much I had forgotten
such as
the energy I possess
after emerging refreshed and renewed
and
spanking clean from a workout!

Challenging my body to go a little farther each time
pushing my endurance and stretching and exaggerating each movement is so rewarding
I'm in a daily competition with myself
Guess who wins?

My chlorine amnesia
prevented me from receiving all the added health benefits
during
those dry years

well
can't do anything about my lapse of judgement in the past
nevertheless
the time has arrived to once again concentrate on my laps in the future

thank goodness
I jumped in with both feet

I believe the key to long distance swimming or running is breathing
and this exercise forces me to concentrate on inhaling and exhaling
Its amazing how easy it is to slow it down when it begins to speed up
enabling me to increase my distance
improving my endurance
which makes me feel in total control of my body

yet,
as I continue to take advantage of any and all available pools

drops of memories are beginning to surface
or should I say
submerge

I like to refer to my theory as the
psychology of the lap lanes
which is truly a psych out experience

let me explain

the lanes
separated by floating ropes
kill
when you bang into one with any part of your body while traveling at full speed
this unfortunate and rather painful situation
occurs while trying to avoid a mid head on collusion when you are forced to share a lane

of course
the ideal situation is

one person per lane
although
due to the popularity of water therapy
that rarely occurs

when it does
its heaven
like walking on water

timing is important
never choose to place yourself in peril when swim lessons are being held
or during family swim time

and stay away
from any and all senior citizen events
no offense to the older generation
god bless them
Heck, I am a member
in denial,
of course

truth be told
babies and old ladies are your worst nightmares when you are cruising the lanes

lapping solo is
the best possible scenario
for me

swimming
clears your mind
if you are not distracted by
the rest of the pool population

left alone
you will experience
no lane rage
no distractions
no delays
no conversation
because
as much as I love to chat
(not when I'm swimming)

I digress

A wide variety of swimmers come equipped with their own personal styles
all quite unique
some are more compatible than others


in lane number one
we have a women, I call Betty
in relatively good shape who has been swimming all her life
she is not in the water to socialize
this particular athlete is wearing an old fashion bathing cap,
strap under her chin
and a bathing suit from the 50's
she possesses a smooth easy stroke
yet she never puts her head under water
she glides along like Ester Williams
doing water ballet
it's quite graceful actually
and she is never a problem or a danger to others

in lane number 2,
you'll spot the fat lady
who sort of runs in the water,
moving her arms as if she is swimming,
but her feet never leave the ground
she loves foam kick boards
Bernice
wears a suit that resembles a wet sleeveless tennis outfit
and has giant breasts
yet
this go getter never comes close to doing the breast stroke
her version of slow motion swimming is the only form of exercise she ever gets
Bernie has to be admired for her dedication and determination
even though she might be a tad on the cranky side
and a card carrying member of the
"I do not like to sweat" generation
she never
ever
gets her hair wet
so if you want to live a long life
do not splash this women!

in lane 4 you have the old bald guy named Bill with an abundance of white chest hair
and the physique of a much younger man
he is donning a Speedo
the same one he wore when he was 20
and he is darn proud of it

warning!
only give this character total eye contact and nothing more
the big picture is hard to bear

I detest Speedos
another story

splashing around in lane number 5
you'll discover an individual I've named...
Ned
the nerd
who probably wears a pocket protector when he is dressed
and a plastic nose plug while wet
I'm sorry, but he is sort of a wimp
I can only speculate what he does for a living
I'm pretty sure he lives with his mother
who undoubtedly is in another lane
probably the old women hugging the noodle
Her son, with the big breast, yet no competition for big breasted Bernie,
is all over the place
Dread
sharing a lane with someone like him
you never know where he is going to pop up
I don't appreciate surprises while I'm swimming

lane number 6
corrals the young stud (Jason) who is either training for the triathlon
or the Olympics
he is strictly business
and my personal favorite to pass
because he thinks he is so cool
actually while mentally competing with this stud
I totally exhaust myself
which is not all that relaxing
the good news is
you will you never have to worry about crashing into this speed demon
he makes no false moves
you are perfectly safe co mingling in his lane

which by the way
is different from
the danger you are exposed to with the women in lane number 2

in lane number 7
you have the unfortunate luck of the draw
sharing the water with the brat
little Bobby

His mother,
undoubtedly a CEO of something
is forcing him to swim
and he is not a happy camper
you never ever want to share anything with this brat
nor he with you
avoid this kid at all cost
he will just stop and change direction whenever the mood strikes him
he delights in kicking you and loves to get in your way on purpose
pissing off his prey is the only thing that holds his interest and makes the time bearable for him
he considers you a target for torturing
you can't retaliate because his mom is sitting there a few feet away
in a business suit working on her lap top

in lane number 8
frolicking along
happy as a clam
is super friendly
Lois Lane 
perpetually in a good mood
hopping
skipping
and
jumping
right in the middle
while struggling with a smile on her face to get from one side to another

creating quite a wake in her path
her hair is so short, she is not required to wear a cap
This poor pitiful uncoordinated human being
attempting to get to the end of the pool
one way or another
never does the same thing twice
and her goal

is to make new friends
she speaks to you every time you pass
asking questions that could not possibly be answered with one word
one of the biggest challenges when encountering her along your path is
to avoid eye contact and try to use gestures instead of words

maybe because water makes her weightless
its the only way she is able to move parts of her body
so I have to give her credit
but I don't have to choose her as my lane mate
or new girlfriend
on the plus side
these plus sized ladies
never last long

so occasionally
when considering all my options
I'll go for the skippy, dippy, social, dame
heck
we could all benefit from a new acquaintance
as long as it is a short and sweet relationship

the doggy paddle
guy or girl
is in lane number 9
Penny or Randy
look like Max and Molly
our poodles
I have an up close and personal on these two
but I will spare you any more details

lets just sum it up and say
there are many more stereotypes
swimming around the pools
as there are fish in the sea

So think very carefully before you choose your lane
remember
different strokes for different folks

HOW DRY I AM
HOW WET I'LL BE
IF I FIND
THE RIGHT LANE FOR ME